I've definitely written letters to myself on this page before, but I'm too lazy to go look up what those contents are so I'm starting fresh right here. Days like today are a big part of the reason I even keep this log: there were valuable things to be taken from this day and I want to be able to look back on this during the moments when I really need it. Disclaimer: this post is going to be long and possibly too touchy-feely, so if you're not about that, you can stop reading (all I did was run a boring slow 5 miler this afternoon, you're not missing out on anything I promise). But if you're curious about some of the things that go through my head on a good day, read on! (And if you're future-Jess, having a rough day for whatever reason, please be willing to really hear these words from past-Jess. They're important and they're honest and I want you to listen and believe and find your spark again.) Let's start with the recap:
Today's PM Workout: Easy run, 5 mi
Summary: 5.01 mi, 51:28, 10:16 average pace
Pace splits by mile: 9:46, 10:23, 10:21, 10:32, 10:19
Hit Rate: 37/38 (97.3%)
Run specific notes (and some random details about my day):
- It's been a long day. I started the day at 4:50 am, spent some time studying, hit up the pool, showered and dealt with emails, went grocery shopping, came home, ate lunch, studied some more, had my clinical mentoring session, immediately went out for a run, ate dinner, interviewed a (super impressive and lovely) Princeton applicant, and now I'm here. It's been a crazy day. As such...
- I was tired on the run, the kind of tired where even though I was running, my eyes kept trying to fall shut and stay shut. My body has also honestly felt a little bit off the past day or two, but that's not really my point. I was tired.
- Given that I was tired, I ran based purely off of effort. I checked my watch, I knew how slow I was going, but the heart rate and the breathing told me I was in the right place so I just stuck with it. I'm definitely coming to terms with the fact that the next few weeks will be strictly easy (aka slow) running, just looking to build some base running fitness so my joints can handle the harder things to come (which may or may not involve speed work but will definitely involve brick work, so I have to strengthen everything up bit by bit and make sure they can handle that when the time comes). It's not super satisfying to do this kind of work, but like I was telling Helena yesterday when we were talking about her 5k plan, it's important to get the right kind of base at that easy/moderate effort before you go looking for more because it's the foundation of everything else that you do. You can't cheat the basics, so even though there's nothing glorious about them, I'm going to keep doing it and doing it right.
- Cadence is still looking good, 172 spm average today, so I'm happy about that.
- It was cold. And windy. I'm just complaining. There's no real point to this bullet point.
- My knees felt good. While we're talking about joints, it's worth noting that my right elbow was giving me the business during my swim this morning and I bit the bullet and went and got a supplement to try and deal with that. (And a note about supplements: I do take multivitamins daily, along with usually half a dose of B100, and especially the past few weeks, the difference between the time blocks when I am good about supplementing and when I'm bad about supplementing are pretty stark. It makes a big difference to my energy levels so I figure it must have something to do with the repair stuff going on in my body. I have had a few different things for joint supplements in the past because I have a history of joint issues, I just went for an easy over the counter low dose glucosamine chondroitin complex that I'm taking at even lower doses than the maker recommends because in general my policy is the less supplementation I have to do the better. Better to get your nutrients from food than from a pill I figure. But it's helped in the past so I'm giving it a go to see if it makes a difference now.)
The mushy stuff:
- For when you are feeling discouraged: I am so insanely proud of myself and this day. I feel so incredibly blessed to be where I am and doing what I'm doing. I had a stretch of time in the afternoon after lunch and before my hospital session where I was exhausted and I knew I had to get studying in and the rest of my day seemed so daunting and I just sat at my carrel with a cup of coffee and wanted to cry about everything. But then I got to go into the hospital and practice my history and physical skills and found myself in an environment where I really feel like I thrive. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go before I'm good at all of these skills I have to master, but just getting to interact with patients is such a powerful reminder to me of what I get to spend the rest of my life doing. I get that wonderful sense that this is exactly where I belong, this is what I was born to do, not because I'm good at it necessarily but because it makes me come alive and I feel so lucky to have found that and to have the opportunity to work towards being the best that I can be at it. That was specifically hospital related, but honestly it applies to training too. I'm not a great athlete, but I don't feel like I was born to do this because I'm good at it, I feel like I was born to do this because it makes me come alive. I am so lucky to have the opportunity to work towards being better at these things that make me come alive on a daily basis. The work, the opportunity, that's the blessing. Don't ever forget that.
- On confidence/frustration/slow days/trust: If I had taken this run session yesterday morning, I would've been upset because it was so slow. It was almost 2 minutes a mile slower than my half marathon time, and it's only a 5 miler. But a lot of things happened between yesterday morning and right now. My whole conversation with Helena about why base training is important happened, my swim this morning which gave me such a huge confidence boost happened, and all of a sudden I find myself very comfortable with just doing the very mundane and non-glamorous work that is running slowly until I get my running groove back. It's the kind of thing that I would have been ashamed of in the past or gotten flustered and nervous over because it would make me feel like my running was terrible and was never going to get better and I didn't have any of that today because I had a kind of trust in the process that I think I've been lacking for a while. It's the inevitable reality of still feeling somewhat new to the sport and still learning what works and what doesn't and not knowing if I'm going to see the results that I want. But I'm starting to trust in the training a little bit more and I'm starting to let my ego go and it's helping me be okay with the reality that right now my only focus is on getting back into running without reaggravating any injuries. That's going to involve some very slow running and that's not something for me to be worried or ashamed or scared of. It's just another day in my schedule and it doesn't have to be any more emotionally loaded than that.
- Let's talk about my relationship with food: I've been stressed out about food recently. If you know me, you know that's weird, I'm normally more of a "see food and just eat it" sort of person. But triathlon is annoying because it's gravity involving and therefore for the first time in my life my weight matters to me. In August the pounds honestly just sort of fell off my body, I didn't even know what was going on but I got super lean and it was kind of cool but also kind of disconcerting. I sort of thought the same thing would happen when I picked up with training this time around, but that's really not what's happened all of January, so I think I've been a bit flustered about that because I don't know the first thing about trying to drop a few pounds. I think it's made me really weird about food and that needs to stop. Pretty sure I'm tired because I've been slightly undernourished these past few days. Pretty sure I need to be better about controlling blood sugar swings by eating more frequently seeing as I can't eat very much in any single sitting. I need to be better about eating right after I workout. I need to be better about ensuring quality when I'm snacking because my body is definitely feeling the need for wholesome nourishment between real meals and I haven't been giving it any of that. I also need to relax about indulging, it's not going to kill anyone, but the stress is probably really bad for me. I'm gonna try to be a little bit more laid back about this, because honestly I think my body might think it's starving right now and I don't want it to think that. Trying to reframe the dialogue around food not in terms of quantity but in terms of quality. As long as I'm eating good quality food, I will let my body have its way in terms of quantity. It knows what it needs, I need to be better about listening.
- On a related note, body image: I had an awesome swim this morning, which can largely be credited to all the parts of my body that I can't stand (i.e. my arms and my lats). Like sure, they're sort of ridiculous looking, but they are also the reason that you get to fly in the water. I want you to think about any breakout off the start during any race ever. Is there anything that you wouldn't give up to have that feeling? Adhering to terrible and incredibly not meaningful beauty standards? Would give that up in a heartbeat. Just think about it.
That's all folks! Bedtime.
Much love,
Jess
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