Falling short

[Day 133]

I had a rough night last night, had a late start this morning, had to cut my run short so I could still make it to small group/lab. Disappointed that I wasn't on top of my sleep schedule, disappointed that I didn't suck it up and get up early enough to get my entire run in anyways, just generally disappointed with myself.

Today's Workout: AM easy run, 4 mi (planned 5 mi)
Summary: 4.05 mi, 39:31, 9:45 pace, 178 spm
Pace splits by mile: 10:23, 9:55, 9:23, 9:25
Hit rate: 7/7 (100%) - I honestly don't even feel good about giving myself credit for this run but I know that dropping a mile on an easy day isn't actually as atrocious of an offense as it feels like to me...

Notes/thoughts:

• That mile that I dropped this morning is probably going to haunt me for a while, especially if I fall short of my goals/expectations this summer. I'm not good at letting things like this go. It's probably a terrible trait of mine, but I can't help it. Cutting things short or not giving all the effort I want to give just doesn't sit well with me. I can't help it. 
• I started out real slow but was surprised that after about15-20 minutes my legs seemed to get into it and I actually felt real strong and smooth on the way home. It reminds me of in-season swimming. I need insanely long warm ups to get my body into it but it will perform if I give it time to warm up. Apparently this may be a thing that holds true for the running as well.
• Freaking out about tomorrow. The run is gonna be long and tough and ends on some real fast running and I just don't know what to expect of myself and the level of effort it'll take to hit all the paces right. And the thing is, I really don't think I can mentally take another disappointing day. I need a good day, I really need a good day, but I have to make those good days with my own two hands (or I guess legs in this case) and the pressure feels really crazy sometimes. I don't know if I can do it, but I know I have to try and I know that if I try and I fall short, Friday night will be a long one and I don't want that. Pressure pressure pressure.

Have a good Thursday folks (:

Much love,

Jess

Loving something so much it hurts to stomach

[Day 37]

Today's Workout: Cycling (outside) with Molly! (MCT trail system)

Summary: 18.28 mi, 1:16:55, 14.3 mph

Speed splits by mile: 13.7, 15.6, 13.4, 14.6

Hit Rate: 40/41 (97.5%)

Notes/thoughts:

• Riding outside is amazing. It was really cold when I first got up this morning and I was worried it was going to be freezing and awful, but it was a super sunny day and the temperature came up a bit and I layered up real good and it was actually a totally fine temperature to be riding at. I had sort of shied away from riding outside because of the weather (not that I don't ride to practice in this weather anyways, but that's in like sweatpants and a ski jacket so it's sort of a different deal) but now I feel like there really isn't any good reason to, so I might hit the outdoors more often. 
• This set of trails Molly found is great. No traffic, not very many riders out today, well-paved, nice environment, I was just really happy about it. It's a bit of a trek to get out there, but with a buddy it's totally worth it. Also her tri bike is sick. Way jealous, really hoping she has some great races on it this year. 
• I fell once, trying to make a turn I should have really just clipped out for because the road was narrow. Luckily I was totally covered so no road rash besides a scrape on my ankle that I managed to get through my sock somehow.
• Molly has a heart rate monitor, which I'm sort of jealous of. There are so many things that I need to prioritize about getting before I want to invest in a heart rate monitor though that I'm just sort of like, okay another thing that's cool but not actually that important. xD
• I definitely felt like it took more effort to ride that pace than it should have today. Probably just fatigue from the week, but the speed demon in me is a tad bit disappointed because the biking felt so controlled and I normally prefer it to feel less controlled. I feel like my brain interprets biking really similarly to skiing and I want biking to give me skiing levels of speed rush which is basically impossible unless I'm shooting down a hill at a likely unsafe speed. All that really means though is I have to get more bike fit, which is what I'm working on right now, so maybe in a month or two I will be going faster and therefore be feeling happier about it. 

Weekly Recap:

• 3 rides (2 trainer, 1 outside), 3 swims, 4 runs (3 outdoors, 1 on a treadmill after lifting), 1 lift, 1 core specific session for a total of ~12:45.
• This was a big week, sort of artificially so because I included a half hour of core in the log and it was a 7 day week instead of a 6 day week because I swapped today's ride and tomorrow's rest day to accommodate other schedule things in my life. 
• I have been really tired. Like way more blown out at the end of each of my days (or even by mid-afternoon) than I was all of January. Makes sense because more volume. Surprisingly enough, I've been really impressed with the actual workout performance given that. In terms of late week workouts, runs have been really slow but the swims have been really solid and I'm super impressed with my body managing to hold that together despite feeling genuinely terrible. 
• It's been an emotional week. A lot of doubt, dissatisfaction, and self-pity at night but also a lot of big moments that have really re-affirmed to me why it is that I go through all of that. I love what I do. I could not not do what I do. It's really not a choice, it's just a part of who I am and who I will always be. So it's really hard, but I gotta buckle down and take that because this is what I want.
• I was just out at dinner and one of my friends said something really nice about how she was really impressed with how motivated I am and she probably doesn't realize this because I honestly had no idea how to properly respond to that comment but it meant so much to me. It always means so much to have someone say, hey I see you. I feel like this is a part of my life that is not actually seen by very many people because so much of it happens when I'm essentially alone, so to have someone acknowledge that meant a lot to me. It's just good to be seen. It makes me feel a lot less alone.

Next week is also gonna be a big week, followed by a short 4 day decompress before we get into what is officially speaking Block II. Honestly the plan is just to go really really hard and take all I can take and then let off for a bit and hopefully see the work pay off at the start of Block II. Much needed rest day coming up tomorrow. Happy Saturday! (:

Much love,

Jess