"If you haven't felt like quitting..."

[Day 32]

"...your dreams aren't big enough."

This was a quote taken from a very touching email one of my professors sent our class today. I will not get into the rest of the contents but let's just say that it was a much needed message on a day like today and I can't help but feel like this is the world telling me to just put my head down and keep going.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough way to start a week that I know is going to be really hard...Let's talk.

So there are two kinds of soul-crushing workouts (in my experience at least). The more common of the two (for me at least) are the ones where it's really hard but you get through and you come out on the other side physically and mentally stronger. They're the ones where I walk away and think, wow I did something I didn't think was possible today and it's going to make me so much better. And I have more confidence and it makes me really happy. Then there's the other kind of soul-crushing workout, where you walk away from it without too many positive takeaways. Sometimes it's because I don't make it through the workout (I have to make big adjustments or truncate it altogether) and it's disappointing and it makes me feel like I'll never get to where I want to be. (Although there are plenty of workouts where I do have to make adjustments and I think the more typical situation is not getting super discouraged, but rather it typically makes me more hungry to work harder and hit the workout right the next time.)

I guess yesterday was weird because it was the kind of soul-crushing workout where I did kill it (even though I did have to make some adjustments to the original set, I'm not super beat up about that, I will hit it again and it will be better next time) but I still walked away feeling super discouraged. I think all night and most of this morning, I've just been sinking in this sense that it's so so so hard and I don't know that I have what it takes to go through something like that again. I feel like a little kid but there's this voice in my head that just keeps saying "but it hurt so much..." and doesn't have much else to offer me than that. And I think the worst part for me is that I hate being like this. I know how much you have to put in to get better, I know that there's very little about this that's comfortable or nice and I need to be able to handle that reality if I want to improve but this little voice just comes back with "but it hurt so much". And it really did. It really did.

In any case, I find myself in sort of a strange situation because this isn't typically how I react to these things. The other part that comes with this that's hard for me is that it makes me really lose faith in myself and my ability to do what I need to do. I've just been leaning on things that Henry's been telling me, I've been leaning on him believing in me, because I'm not really sure how to do that for myself right now. I have a few more comments about Henry, but we'll save those for the end.

So I went to the gym this morning and had a sort of disappointing lift. I had a bit more planned than what I ended up doing because of a combination of not wanting to do things (e.g. what I knew was going to be a pretty painful legs giant set) and being slow (will talk more about this in a bit) and that sort of only adds to the cloud of dejection floating over me about training right now. It was one of those days where I spent every second of my breaks between sets convincing myself to not just walk out the door and go home. I just had to keep forcing myself to go back to the bar and once I was there and set up I knew I was gonna get through that set. Then rinse and repeat. It was hard, it slowed everything down, it wasn't any fun and I don't feel like I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. But it was the best I was going to get out of this day, so at the very least I can say that I showed up when I really didn't want to. Here's the recap:

Today's Workout: AM lift and short treadmill run
Summary:

• Lift:
• Back squats: WU 12 @ 65#, 2 x 8 @ 105#, 2 x 6 @ 105# (honestly I think the sets of 6 were more a confidence thing than a strength thing, was sort of scared to go for it so I didn't)
• Flat bench: WU 12 @ 45#, 4 x 10 @ 75# (need to go up)
• Deadlifts: 4 x 8 @ 115 (need to go up)
• Back giant set: 3 rounds of 
• Straight arm pulldowns: 12 @ 6 plates
• Lat pulldowns: 12 @ 6 plates (up?)
• Cable rows: 12 @ 6 plates (up?)
• Shoulder press: 3 x 8/8 (last set was 8/5-5) @ 25#/15#
• Easy treadmill run, 20 mins, 2% incline, 6.0-6.2 pace
• Treadmill numbers: 2.09 mi, 20:37
• Garmin numbers: 2.21 mi, 20:28, 9:16 average pace

Hit Rate: 34/35 (97.1%)

I think the day has been getting better since. Henry stayed with me in the morning and worked really hard to talk me out of how sad I feel about everything and despite it being a situation where I think once upon a time he would have asked me to just take a day off from responsibilities and just recharge, instead he asked me to dig deeper today and keep moving forward. I know that's hard for him, but to me it was this big piece of proof to me that he really did believe that I can keep going and I can get what it is that I'm after and I really needed that reassurance today. His willingness to keep pushing me makes me feel like I am capable of more, I just have to dig a little deeper and find it. I'm so glad that I have someone to be tough on me right now because the hardest moments like this are when the magic happens. We also had a fun little exchange where he was all surprised that today wasn't a double day (for reference the only planned doubles this week are Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday, and next Sunday again but I consider that next week since it's after my rest day) and that's also refreshing. I've definitely talked about this before, but normalizing the workload is super important to making it all not seem extremely daunting all the time. I think the other thing that's starting to happen today is that we talked (although not directly) about normalizing the emotional experience as well, just in terms of how this kind of day and these feelings are always going to be a part of the experience (not just for me but anyone else that does what I do). And what comes out of all of that is none of this is an excuse to do work any less hard and even though that's a tough pill to swallow sometimes, I'm glad I have someone to reinforce that and to support me and believe in me and help me work through it all. 

Outside of that, I registered for Swim the Suck today! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) There are literally not enough exclamation marks in the universe. I'm really glad I got in.

I spent so much of the morning being distressed about needing to go to practice tomorrow and having to bike in what will likely be rain but Henry was adamant that I should go (and I agree with him, I should go) so I was/am planning on going but I wasn't happy about it. Well now that I know I'm racing an open water 10 miler in October, I feel a little bit more urgency about hitting up the pool as many times as possible. It makes me feel a tad bit better about how tired/wet/cold/annoyed I will be about having to ride out to and back from Clayton in the rain tomorrow. And I think this is one of those things that may just be a temporary incentive right now, but it's coming at a pretty important time.

So at this point I think I have to go back to that quote. "If you haven't felt like quitting, your dreams aren't big enough." Things are sorta rough right now but I have amazing support to lean on and I just need to put my head down and keep at it. Thankful in spite of it all today. We'll get through. (:

Much love,

Jess

Oops...missed a day! D:

[Day 18]

Lol whoops, I guess I forgot about day 17 didn't I? The funny thing is, I keep this tab open on my browser with a draft for each day so that I don't forget to write a post. Amazingly enough, I did not open my computer all of yesterday, so I totally forgot that I had to do this. I guess my New Years Resolutions last just about as long as everyone else's. But one slip up is not the end of the world, we'll try not to do that again moving forward.

Updates from yesterday: We skied, it was awesome, I'm not really sure there's much more to say than that. I hit a few harder runs, got to be a little more aggressive with the skiing and the speed, it was a blast. There were some nasty ice patches, as to be expected from a mild day followed by a colder day, but it was blue skies and good visibility so honestly I'm not going to complain. Conditions were good by east coast standards. My right knee got a little sore by the end of the day and my left calf was tight basically the whole day, but other than that the body held up pretty well overall as well so I was happy about that. We got home not too late, ate out, generally had a blast, I forgot to blog, and that's about it!

We decided to go to the gym this morning because I had an afternoon flight out so we figured we'd have time. It was a bit of an early morning, but it was totally worth it. I really enjoy lifting with my other half, who humoured me today and let me call the shots about what we did. I mean there was some amount of negotiation about the details, but he definitely let me have my way for the most part. Having a spotter is so key. Also having rest intervals somewhat concretely dictated by my partner finishing his set also kept me honest. It was a long session but I had a blast and I'm glad I got a workout in on a day when I wasn't expecting to!

(Also as an aside: It's an amazing thing to have my goals supported by someone this way. I think it's really hard to try and be successful at anything all by yourself. It's definitely possible, but it's insanely hard and mad props to anyone who manages to make that happen. I for one know I wouldn't be where I am today without all the people who have supported me my entire life. And right now, it's really all Henry, who is willing to be the bad guy who kicks me out of the warmth of my bed in the morning on my lazy days and is willing to give up cozy long weekend Monday mornings in bed to go lift with me and is willing to run with me on the back half of my bricks because he knows that he's motivating. He is literally the definition of surrounding yourself with people who make you better. It's crazy to have someone lend so much of their strength and energy to help you achieve what you want to achieve. I have the best one-man support team in the world and he really does put this entire operation on his back. Okay end sappy #blessed moment.)

Today's Workout: Gym session, ~90 mins
Summary:

• Back squats: WU 12 @ 65 lbs, 5 x 8 @ 95 lbs
• Pulldowns: 3 x 12 @ 80 lbs
• Flat bench: WU 12 @ 45, 3 x 8 @ 75 lbs 
• Deadlifts: 3 x 8 @ 115 lbs
• Seated DB shoulder press: 12 @ 20 lbs/side, 8-12 @ 25-15 lbs/side, 5-8 @ 20-15 lbs/side
• Single-arm DB rows: 3 x 12 @ 35 lbs
• Walking lunges: 3 x 12/side @ 40 lbs (BB)
• Incline bench: 3 x 12 @ 55 lbs, last set split 6-6 because I never hit all the reps on this for some reason...
• Superset: 3 x 12/12
• Front raises w/ a 25 plate
• Lateral raises, 10 lbs/side (did the last set single arm leaning against a wall 12 @ 7.5 lbs)

Hit Rate: 16/17 (94.1%)

Notes/thoughts:

• Either reps are going up next week or weight is going up next week on those back squats...we shall see...
• I definitely took a shot at 85 lbs on the bench today b/c someone was there to spot me. Yeah no, not happening, that's basically 2RM weight for me. It's amazing the difference 10 lbs makes.
• The weight got real arbitrary on the shoulder press. Was just trying to see what I could do since it's been a while. I think the realistic goal going forward is 3 x 6/8-8 @ 25-15?
• Henry called out my momentum shit on the rows, which I have a reasonable defending argument for, but just to prove a point I did the last set of them strict and was reasonably surprised to find that I can in fact still hit all the reps that way. 
• I wish I was strong. But wishing that I was strong really doesn't get me anywhere, I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing and trusting in the process. I'll get better, I just need to give it time.
• I am tired and definitely feel a bit weak, but I don't feel terrible today. I have a reasonable amount of hope that I'll feel fine tomorrow morning, fingers crossed!

The plan for tomorrow is a treadmill run (and some core stuff...?) in the morning and a trainer ride in the afternoon. The run will be of 800 repeats at not very aggressive paces, just trying to ease back into running fast and working hard and all that jazz. The trainer ride will be a grab bag of random things, just trying to build fitness and keep it interesting all at the same time. The real problem in my life right now is that I took an awesome vacation and am now behind on literally everything else going on in my life. It'll take me a while to sort that out...Trying to hold onto the schedule while making the rest of my life happen this week will probably be tough. Some things might get dropped, some plans might get changed. We'll see though, I'm gonna do my best with this. Back to real life now! (:

Much love,

Jess