New Years Resolutions

I know it's not quite the New Year yet, but since I'll be in China with what will likely be limited access to blogging websites (thank the Great Firewall for that), I figured it would be better to write this sooner rather than later.

I'm not typically a resolution setter. Or at least not a New Years Resolution kind of resolution setter. I think I like to set resolutions at whatever random time of year they are convenient to me and am about as good at following through with them as typical New Years Resolution setters are (by which I mean they tend to last in the range of 3-10 days). I want to try it this year though, because this is something that I really want to do, and like maybe if I set a resolution and tell people about it they'll hold me accountable for it. So here goes.

I want to log blog every single day of 2016. (Which is 366 days because it's a leap year!) The reflection that I do here carries a lot of value to me and the therapeutic effects of this crazy shout into the void are totally real. The blog really helps me stay in tune with what's happening with my body and in my mind and I think it'll be important to helping me maintain the balance that I have still not really found. 366 days means blogging even on the off days or weeks or months (who knows what will happen right?) because those days are just as integral to the process as all the training days. I want to be motivated to use this tool, I figure the resolution might help.

I would also like to share my blog for the first time. Literally nobody knows that this thing exists. Not even Henry, I haven't even told him about it and he's my number one in life. I think I have a lot of anxiety about people finding out what it is that I really do with my life in as many details as I know it in. For one, I'm not a great athlete. I may have been swimming my entire life, but I don't have much by way of athletic talent and I'm really new to running and cycling. The idea of other people knowing exactly how little I know about what I'm doing and how slow I really am on a day-to-day training basis sort of freaks me out. For another, I'm not one of those people that's perky and motivated all the time. There are a lot of ups and a lot of downs in training and I'm very open about the low points here, which is not something I object to sharing necessarily but is something I'm a little bit self-conscious about. I also don't want the downs to be misunderstood. I love what I do and I don't want anyone to take the downs in the process as evidence that I don't. And finally, I think anytime you open up about experiences like this, you welcome commentary. I understand that commentary can be productive. Listening and learning from others helps you grow, sometimes other people have a better sense for your strengths and weaknesses than you do, blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. But as someone who is pretty insecure about a lot of what gets recorded in this blog, it's actually really scary to think about opening up the space to allow for others to comment and critique.

Given all of that, why is it that I still want to share this? Because I don't want to hide this part of my life. It's actually a weirdly isolating experience to not be able to share this part of my life with most of the people who are a part of my life. When I swam competitively in my younger years, the experience of training was so entirely different because I was always surrounded by teammates. Having like-minded people that run on your schedule and face the same challenges that you do really pulled me through all of those years. My teammates were my second family and we always joked that between practices and travel and meets, we probably spent more time with each other than with our real families. I don't have that same sort of training support network here. I race as a member of the Wash U Triathlon Team based out of the undergraduate campus, but as a medical student, I run on a completely different schedule and generally don't train alongside my teammates. (Also, not gonna lie, they're all really fast and some days I get intimidated out of going to intense run workouts led by the fast boys.) I swim with a master's club, but not often enough that I really feel integrated into that community yet. I cycle with groups occasionally, but my cycling skills still need work which makes me reluctant to do group rides more often even though I probably should. The gist of it is that I don't have the same kind of community to share my experiences with that I used to. It makes training a little bit isolating, which is what I would like to push back against. I feel like making an effort to share my experiences this way, even if no one ends up reading it, is meaningful because at least I've tried to make that connection and put myself out there.

That having been said, I really hope people are kind. I'm not a very interesting person and I'm not a great athlete but the things that get recorded here are some of the things I hold nearest and dearest to my heart in life. I hope people respect that.

So. On January 1st, I'm going to be starting this new journey. It will be interesting because I believe both the 1st and 2nd will be travel days for me. I will write blog posts likely on planes or something of that sort and retroactively post them after the fact. They will likely be boring and devoid of real meaningful content because my training cycle doesn't start until the 3rd or the 4th, but whatever! It'll be the start of what will hopefully be a great year and a great new adventure. I hope you'll join me on that adventure! Wish me luck!

Much love,
Jess

Race Report: Hot Chocolate 15k (St. Louis)

The journey to the start line of this race was tumultous to say the least. Some burnout and an injury (plantar fasciitis) meant that I hadn't been consistently training for about an entire month prior to the race and the lack of fitness was finely evidenced by my finish time. Despite that, however, I'm glad I decided to run the race. It was one of the toughest things that I've done in a while (it turns out being in shape makes races feel considerably less difficult) and I always think it's good to be tested mentally. Not to mention I did really enjoy myself and the break from a long weekend of studying for finals.

It wasn't too early of a morning, a 7:30 am gun time meant I could get up around 5:45 and be comfortable early to the race still. The weather was warm over the weekend which was nice, I wasn't worried about what I should be wearing, shorts and a t-shirt would do the trick. Since I wasn't taking the race very seriously, I also didn't take things like nutrition very seriously. I ate half a Clif Bar and drank some Nuun (had some Nuun the night before as well to get those electrolytes in, I usually prefer the potassium loaded kind of Vitamin Water but I hadn't prepped any in advance so I settled for Nuun) at home, then headed out. I got there with plenty of time to spare to use the restrooms and get my bag checked. I also had 3 Shot Bloks about a half hour before the race, instead of the typical gel and half a bottle of water or Vitamin Water 15 minutes out. Again, wasn't taking it very seriously.

I was lucky enough to be in a preferred corral, so I was able to start with the first wave which opened up very quickly and allowed me to be actually running right from the get go. I hung around the 9:00 minute mile pace pacer for the first 5 or so miles. She was running with another woman and I sort of hovered around them and listened to their conversations. Turns out she got into running also from a competitive swimming to triathlon transition (and she's now an Ironman!) and she recently had a child and has just been getting back into training seriously. She was a pretty sweet person, it was nice to run near those ladies for the first half of the race. I did, however, get dropped soon after that.

The goal going into the race was to try and hit around 9:00 pace and keep it comfortable in the first half and then depending on how I felt, either try to negative split the second half or just try and hold onto the pace for the finish. (Just note that my average pace for the half marathon a month prior was around 8:22, so this was quite a bit slower of a day.) I did well to stay on that pace the first 5 miles and honestly felt really good for about 4.5 of them, then things started falling apart. Those initial splits (according to my Garmin, which did blip in and out a bit on some miles downtown because of the buildings) were 8:53, 8:40, 8:41, 8:59, 8:55. Oh also I should note that it started raining about 5-10 minutes before the start and continued to lightly rain during the remainder of the race. It also got real windy during some segments which was rough. I found myself trying to tuck in behind small groups to get out of the wind, to mixed effectiveness.

After mile 5, things just sort of started coming apart. The lack of fitness was really starting to show and I started feeling really exhausted and running real slow. Towards the end, the route is the same one that the finish of the Rock 'n' Roll half uses, and I remember feeling terrible towards the end of that race as well but I was able to maintain form and pace then whereas this time it was all I could do to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There were many times around mile 7 when I thought maybe I just wouldn't be able to do it. At this point, my pace had dropped off by so much that a huge stream of people were just flying by me which was really demoralizing. All I could do was tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just had to make it to the finish. It didn't have to be fast, but I wasn't going to let the distance beat me. So I slogged up and down the small hills in the last few miles and eventually made it to the finish. I was pretty disappointed by how the second half of the race went, but I didn't quit on it and I made it to the end, which was what counted. The pace splits were 9:23, 9:28, 9:57, 10:10, 10:32 (for the last ~0.3 mi).

All in all, this was where my performance landed me:

Some thoughts about the race:

• I'm glad that I didn't hurt my foot any worse. It got slightly aggravated towards the end of the race (uphills and downhills especially seem to be what's hard on my feet) but actually bounced back fairly quickly after the race. I'm a week out now and my foot feels perfectly normal again which is a huge blessing. 
• I'm really glad I decided to just go for it. I feel like it's important to race just for the sake of racing sometimes, without pressure for a PR or whatever. I've always been a big believer that frequent low-pressure racing is important to success because it normalizes the race environment and helps manage achievement-related expectations. I think this day really proved that point and will be a helpful experience for when I find myself in slightly higher stakes situations.
• It was really cool to see first hand the huge difference that the training makes. I had run a race at what felt like a very high effort that during a regular portion of my training block would be shorter and around the same pace as my typical weekly long run. In-season fitness is an amazing thing. My half marathon just a month prior was more than 3.5 miles longer than this race and it was faster by almost 1:00 per mile. The training makes a huge difference.
• At the same time, it was cool to see how for my baseline fitness has come since I started running. Turns out I'm capable of more at my baseline untrained level than I thought was possible. When I first started running, 3 miles at an easy effort was hard when I was untrained. Given that, I'm very impressed by the fact that I was able to run 15k continuously. Even with the pace drop off, I was able to average a somewhat decent speed (by my standards) so I'll take it.
• It's a great thing to do something that is mentally difficult. There's more than just good training behind successful races, you also have to have the mental coping skills to back up that fitness in a racing environment. I feel like that's a skill that I lack sometimes and have really needed to work on, both in a day-to-day training sort of way and in a racing environment sort of way. Being challenged physically is one thing, but being challenged mentally and having to rise above the sense of disappointment and discouragement I felt from being much slower than I knew I could be and struggling more than I thought I should be was really valuable. Proving to myself that I can get through those thoughts and be better than that kind of negativity was really special and I know that experience will make me better in the long run. 

Comments on race environment and management:

• The race is spectacularly organized. It was smaller than Rock 'n' Roll but was very friendly, very orderly, and very professional. 
• The swag is great, as is the hot chocolate and free post-race snacks.
• Having a chocolate bar shaped medal is pretty cool. 
• If you're considering registering for this race as a winter training carrot, definitely do it, it's a great experience.
• There were a lot of small children running (both the 5k and the 10k!) which I thought was amazing. Run as a family! It's good for everyone!

I also want to share what the training has looked like between Rock 'n' Roll and this race. I had about one good week of resting and recovery, three weeks of decent (not fantastic) training, and then about four weeks off for various reasons. I'm going to start sharing these for the rest of the races I prepare for as well, just because it'll be interesting to go back and see how performance lines up with training. Usually I expect this will go along well with my "hit rate" measure, which I stopped keeping track of for this cycle because it was clearly not going to be a serious training cycle, but I will pick back up with in the new year.

That's all I've got for now! I haven't actually done any form of physical activity since that race. I've intended to, but finals week was happening and now I'm trying to reassemble my life so I can go home for winter break with my apartment not in an abysmal condition. I'm also trying to get some other things in my life (e.g. I'm playing around with a new plan for tackling studying next semester) sorted out right now so that I can hit the ground running in 2016. I'm a big believer that you need to manipulate your environment in such a way that it maximizes your likelihood of succeeding, so I'm figuring out what adjustments I need to make in order to optimize the world around me so I can just do my thing when I get back.

It's been a great year! Happy holidays to everyone! (:

Much love,
Jess

Rest and Restlessness

Predictably, I've been gone for a while. The foot injury turned out to be plantar fasciitis and persisted up until about Wednesday or Thursday of last week when the pain started waning and regular walking got a little bit easier. Obviously I hadn't trained in the meantime and I tried to focus on academic work (to mixed success) but by the time the weekend had swung around and I had to go pick up my race packet for Sunday's Hot Chocolate 15k, I was starting to get a bit restless from my break. I had made the decision to just forgo the race because of the injury. I wanted to make sure that my foot would be good to go for the upcoming Spring training block (which I've drawn out my outline/plans for already!) and for skiing over winter break (which is up in the air right now because it turns out my little brother injured his ankle as well...). In the end though, Henry convinced me that if I wanted to do it, I should give my foot a test run on Saturday and just go for it if it felt okay, so that's exactly what I did.

My Saturday test run actually felt horrible. It was a 4 miler and my foot felt okay for most of it, it ached but it didn't hurt too seriously until very close to the end. The problem was that I was soooooo out of shape, just finishing the 4 miler was tough and my pace kept dropping off so much from mile to mile. I spent Saturday experiencing a lot of angst about being out of shape but ended up deciding to race on Sunday anyways. It was really intimidating because I really thought that there was a chance I wouldn't have it in me to finish. I knew that the race was going to be shorter and slower than my typical long run, and yet I also knew it was going to be way tougher because I was in no physical condition to be doing it. I wanted to try though, and Henry was really supportive of everything that was freaking me out, so I ended up going for it at the end of the day.

I will write a real race report for this race and a bigger reflection on the training that's led up to it after my finals week (which I am in the middle of currently). Suffice it to say that my performance during the race was pretty poor, but I'm extremely proud of myself for going out there and doing it and pushing through a tough day anyways. The one thing I do want to comment on is something I've realized about the nature of my recent racing experiences: During my competitive swimming days, I used to go to at least one or two meets a month and it meant that there was a very clear distinction between important races and all the other races. Racing frequently meant I had a certain tolerance for bad races and bad days because I always had another opportunity coming up. I was better at accepting the non-linearity of progress and knew that I wasn't going to get a PB every single race. I think that mentality helped me overall to just embrace doing the best that I could on any given day, always reaching for that PB but not demanding it of myself because I knew how hard progress could be to come by sometimes. There's been a lot of pressure associated with my racing in triathlon and running because the races are infrequent and the training build up takes so long and I feel like I have to perform at every single one and it's a lot of pressure every time. I want to try and remove some of that pressure, I would like to be able to approach racing in this sport the same way I approached racing in swimming. Maybe next year, when I have more ample transportation options, I will sign up for more casual 5ks and 10ks and just work on racing regularly as a part of training. But that's also an expensive and time-consuming endeavor, so we'll see what comes of it...In any case, my point is, there will be a real race report coming later, so expect that.

After running that race though, I've felt really impatient about getting back into training, even if it's just unstructured working out. Unfortunately, finals is a thing, followed by winter break when I will likely not be training because I'll be trying to spend as much time as I can with the family I don't see very often. It's sort of unfortunate, but honestly that's the only reason I'm here writing this post: I'm feeling really restless. Which I guess was the entire point of taking a break: your body and your mind let you know when it's ready and rested and wants to get going again. Even reading back through the blog, I'm starting to notice that you can really tell how I'm feeling about training by the tone of the posts. Sometimes training is going great and I'm feeling great and things are fantastic! Sometimes training is going great but I feel terrible and sometimes training is going terrible but I feel great! There's such a mix of things, but it all comes out in what I'm writing, and I think the most important thing I've realized is that there's a big difference between when I'm enjoying the process and when I'm not. I'll try to be more cognizant of that in the upcoming year and upcoming training cycle. For now, I have to prioritize studying over my brain's desires to go frolic in the park though, so I have to get back to hitting the books.

Other quick updates before I leave:
- I picked up my long sleeve team jersey for cycling yesterday! Good motivation to take it out for a spin in the cold, maybe this Saturday after exams and before I fly out.
- I just bought a sleeveless wetsuit for the April/May races, which I'm super pumped about. (I'm also super glad Henry let me do that, because wetsuits are a big financial investment.)

Okay time to get back to that physical exam and physiology review! Stay tuned for the next race report!

Much love,
Jess

So tell me, what's the price to pay for glory?

I was surprised to log onto the blog today for the first time in a while and see what the last post I had written was. I guess in a lot of ways it explains exactly how I've gotten to being here today, checking back in after a month long hiatus. I took some time today to read some of the posts I had written over the summer months and into the first month of school and it really reaffirmed to me the importance of documenting this experience. I feel like I had a lot of great insight in posts like this one and this one that I lose sight of when things really get going and it's a good reminder to myself of why I do what I do and where my priorities really are.

The last month has been a bit of a roller coaster. There are times where instead of calling it that, I just want to say that it's been hard. But in reality what it has been is a lot of pressure sapping a lot of joy out of my life. There's probably some generic mood disorder complement involved in some of those days as well, but at the end of the day, I found myself in a place where working out was not only physically and mentally difficult but also downright unenjoyable. I wasn't able to put in any decent efforts and I stopped taking any pride or joy out of my training. And the thing is, I don't do this because I have to, I do this because I want to. I do this because I love it and because pushing myself further and further is what makes me come alive. In the past month, it has been doing the opposite of that. It's felt like trying to keep up with the expectations I set for myself was sinking me deeper and deeper into a grave and at some point I said to myself, "This isn't why I do this", and I stopped.

So there have been some workouts here and there and maybe even a good quality session or two, but I dropped a lot of the structure and stepped back from the slog and have been working hard at letting myself rest. It's been a mildly successful effort. I won't lie, I really struggled with just setting my goals down. I felt like I was letting myself down, I felt like I was making excuses and being unaccountable and it generally wasn't something I was proud of. But no matter what kind of effort I put in, I wouldn't have been where I wanted to be because I was no longer enjoying the process, I was resenting it instead. It's been a lot of ups and downs in terms of coming to terms with what my body and (perhaps more importantly) my mind is telling me I need. I needed a break from the goals and the structure and even though I didn't really want to take it, it was demanded of me. So I stepped down, which I am disappointed about, but am realizing more and more every day that it's the right thing to do.

It's funny because I hurt my foot over the weekend somehow (oh and I hope everyone had a great American Thanksgiving!) and as much as I'm bummed out about what that means for my training, I'm also sort of glad it gives me an excuse to (a) not train and (b) not take this upcoming race seriously. I still do want to race, so I am really anxious for my foot to get better, but I know at this point that it won't be a competitive race, it will be a fun race. I will take it as if it were a typical long run and a study break from exam week and I will enjoy every moment of it instead of worrying about and focusing on a specific finish time. I do hope my foot actually gets better in time though, the past few days haven't been very promising and it is something that worries me. I will keep you updated.

In any case, the title of this post is a question I ask myself pretty often. I don't even know what it is I mean a lot of the time when I think about chasing glory, but I guess for me that just happens to be whatever goal I've set for myself in that moment. I wanted to improve my running, I wanted to get better, that was the glory I was seeking, and I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I will not be getting it this month with this upcoming race. It felt so easy to frame all of the signs I was getting from myself that I needed to take a step back as weakness and an unwillingness to "pay the price", but the more I step out of that place of viewing training in a negative light, the more I'm starting to see that the price wasn't right. Do I have an answer for what the right price is? Definitely not. But I had to swing way too far in the wrong direction in order to realize that I was getting into shaky territory and that realization in and of itself will be enough for me for now. I get the sense it will take me a long time to find that right balance. We'll be having this conversation a lot, so buckle down.

As for the status of this blog, I will probably not be posting as regularly during this next block of unstructured existence that I have planned. I'll be here occasionally, but I don't expect to be back regularly until late January, when I make and put into action a plan to be ready for the big spring triathlon races. It's okay because I don't think anyone reads this anyways, so I'm sure you won't miss me.

Until next time!

Much love,
Jess

Sometimes there's no stopping the hurricane

I have bipolar II. But the thing about bipolar disorder in general is that the recommendations for management via medication are very strong, because of the nature of the illness. It's easy to be considered dangerous to yourself or to others and at the end of the day, the medication is the best tool we have in our toolkit. I've never wanted to be on psychotropic medication though. The side effects scare me, the fact that it really should be viewed as a permanent lifestyle change scares me, the thought of flattening my affect scares me, it all scares me and I don't think in a particularly unreasonable way. I've always said no to discussions about trying medication, so in the long run verifying the diagnosis was never a priority whenever I did seek professional help. The thing is though, managing bipolar without medication is a pretty Herculean task. It's something I don't think I would have been able to do alone and I'm really grateful that I don't deal with it alone. Henry actually takes the vast majority of the responsibility on that one. He's the person who keeps me safe from myself.

Here's the thing. My entire life is a bit of an unsafe situation for me. It's filled with the type of stress that's great at setting off depressive swings. It's also filled with the type of constant activity that's great at masking manic swings. I've been doing this for over a decade now. I know enough about me and about what's going on to have some sense of where my mental status is at. But I'm not as objective about it as Henry, and I really count on him to know better. Today has been an interesting exercise in rediscovering that sometimes we can do everything in our power to try to stop the worst of the days, but they will still come. It's a strange experience. It makes you feel unsafe in your own home, in your own skin.

Some of the worst days for me come in the busy weeks when I fall short of one goal or another or maybe even many. Perhaps this down swing started that way, but I was making an effort to not fall into that trap. I was trying to be accepting, I was trying to be loving, I hope that came across in the things I've been writing this week. But the logic doesn't always get it's way. Somehow you can still find yourself lying in bed too tired to sleep or look at the ceiling or breathe. There was a point in the day where I was lying in bed and I could feel my heart beating slowly, so slowly, and I told Henry it felt like my heart was just waiting to give up and I asked him if you could die from being sad.

The slow days are the worst days. When my brain is too tired to form words even in my thoughts or do anything more than shift my body a little bit when it gets achy from being in the same position for too long. I've been actively suicidal before and even that is better way to feel. On suicidal days I feel backed into a corner with no realistic choice but to die. On slow days I wouldn't even have the strength to conjure up that thought. I just wonder if my heart will stop from how much weight I feel on my chest and I think maybe if my house caught fire I would just stay in bed and it would be a blessing. It's a different brand of suffering. It doesn't come often but when it does it always catches me off guard.

I'm coming back out of it I think, I wouldn't be writing now if I weren't, I wouldn't have enough words. I don't want to even hope that it's passed because it'll be crushing if it comes back. I've known enough of these days to know that you're never really safe. It's hard to ever really be safe. And just now I was thinking about being young, about feeling these things silently for the weeks and months that they swept me and walking through life anyways because so long as you go on living, you have to go on living. I wish I could go back and hold that child because no child should ever have to feel this way.

This is my long winded explanation for why I didn't go to the pool today. It's my long winded explanation for why things get put on hold in my life sometimes. Sometimes it feels like an excuse but Henry tells me I can't look at it that way because mental illness isn't something I can just push my way through with grit or determination or whatever. It doesn't change how much it feels like an excuse. I have work to do, but we're at 13/16 (81.2%). Accountability really doesn't care for circumstance now does it?

Much love,
Jess

PS - This song sums up what it feels like pretty well. Don't get hung up on the words, just listen.

Slow and steady wins the race

Today I am working on being patient with myself and not forcing progress when it's not yet meant to be. I tackled the workout that I didn't see through last Wednesday and once again I didn't see it through. I got further today though and it felt like a better effort all in all, but it was still not what I wanted it to be. I think there are a combination of things at play. I think my body has the ability to crank out this workout but my brain hasn't wrapped itself around it yet. It's still daunting and scary and it feels harder than it probably is. But much the same way as how you can't force physical progress, sometimes you can't force mental progress either. It takes time for brains to adjust to the harder sessions and if I beat myself up for every day where my mental muscle wasn't where I wanted it to be, I would be a really unhappy person. (And honestly, there are times when I do get really harsh with myself about workouts like today's, but I'm trying to be a little easier on myself about it right now.) So here's the summary.

Today's Workout: AM treadmill run and short dryland finisher
Summary:

• WU: 10-15 mins @ 6-6.5 mph
• Main Set: 400-800-1200-800-400 pyramid @ 8.0 mph w/ 50% recovery intervals between @ 6.0 mph
• WD: 10 mins easy @ 6-6.5 mph
• Treadmill numbers: 6.05 mi, 53:45
• Garmin numbers: 5.54 mi, 53:18, 9:37 pace
• Dryland: 3.5 x
• Bodyweight squats w/ band: 10 wide stance 10 narrow stance
• Push ups: 10 narrow/elbows tucked, 10 wide, split as necessary
• ~ 10-15 mins

Hit Rate: 13/15 (86.6%)

The goal had obviously been to build the pyramid up to 1600 m and come back down, but that evidently did not happen. It's a step in the right direction though and we'll come back to this one sometime in the next two weeks and try again. I'm willing to grind to get to where I want to be, I'll just keep pushing at this workout until I crack it. It'll happen. I believe. And in the meantime, I'll accept that there's still work to be done and that today just wasn't the day yet. 

Much love,

Jess

Sleeping in

I've now slept in two days in a row. Amazingly enough, I don't actually regret doing it on either day. I had been up late Sunday night with some wedding planning and family related drama and I don't regret the conversation that kept me up at all. It was the kind of late night talk that I think really brings me and Henry closer together, so if I lose a workout for it, I lose a workout for it. I don't even remember what my plans strictly were at this point, but I did end up getting a workout in anyways by just sort of shoving it in my evening. I didn't have any time to do work yesterday though, which was the real bummer. In any case, here was yesterday's sort of haphazardly thrown in workout.

Yesterday's Workout: PM trainer ride, strength intervals
Summary:

• WU: 10 mins easy spin
• Spin ups: 5 x 30 up/30 recovery
• Main Set: all big gear (60-65 rpm, +10 or more on pick up minutes), easy spin recoveries
• 16 mins as 7/1/7/1
• 3 mins easy spin
• 12 mins as 5/1/5/1
• 3 mins easy spin
• 8 mins as 3/1/3/1, popped into standing quite a few times to try and keep rpms up.
• WD: 10 mins easy
• Total: 16.27 mi, 1:07:28, 14.5 mph

Hit Rate: 12/13 (92.3%)

The set was harder than I thought it was going to be by far. Things got real rough in that last 8 minute set but I got through it. Eventually I want to work my way up to starting with a 20 minute interval. Can't work on my climbing strength outside because there's not much terrain here, so I gotta work on it inside. We'll get there. 

As for today, I had planned on going to lift in the morning but seeing as I slept in and I have an 8:30 am - 9:00 pm day scheduled, it looks like today's going to be a day off. Oh well, life happens, the rest was much needed and today will be easier on a well-rested body and brain. We'll try and get right back at it tomorrow with a morning treadmill run. Planning on re-attempting those treadmill intervals I couldn't get through last time. Hopefully the extra recovery and maybe a little extra fitness (please?) will help get me through. 

Hit Rate: 12/14 (85.7%)

Much love,

Jess

Just do it!

I think I have a mental road block against running race pace during regular workouts. Sure, I can do it during strict intervals like mile repeats, and I know there was at least one tempo run in the summer where I did a good job running race pace, but otherwise I just have this huge sense that I can't run race pace during training...I think it's really just mental and not physical. Everything seems totally impossible to me until I've actually done it, then it seems easy. So I've decided that one of the things I'm really going to try to work on is pushing back against this sense that I can't be fast day to day. Of course, I need to balance the fast days with the easier days, but the idea is that I'm trying to teach myself that these mental limits I put on myself don't actually exist. Today was the first step towards breaking those barriers that I've set for myself.

Today's Workout: AM long run
Summary:

• The set was a 2 mile warm up at 9:30-10:00, 3 x (1.5 mi @ 8:00-8:30, 1.0 mi recovery @ 9:30-10:00), variable distance warm down for a total of 10 miles.
• Total: 10.13 mi, 1:32:56, 9:11 pace
• Splits by interval:
• WU: 9:43
• Repeat 1: 8:28/9:40
• Repeat 2: 8:20/9:57
• Repeat 3: 8:24/9:52
• WD: 9:52

Hit Rate: 11/12 (91.6%)

I was really happy with how I did, especially because I chose not to try and go around more difficult terrain or adjust pace based on terrain. In the end I figured it would all balance out and it did and I'm really proud of the effort. It was hard, but actually not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I definitely felt like I couldn't push my legs to do much more by the last repeat, but I got there, and that's what's important. 

I had been really scared of this workout at the beginning of the day. Even during the warm up and during the first recovery interval, I had been thinking to myself that there was no way I could pull this off. But I did, so I guess it just goes to show that having a "just do it!" attitude really does work. And now I know that I'm capable of running a workout like this, which is really amazing to me! Another random amazing thing is how casual a 10 mile workout feels nowadays. I remember when I used to get really worked up for every 10 miler I ran but it's becoming more and more of just a comfortable workout distance for me. 12 mi is still intimidating, but 10 I can do. That is also something I'm really proud of.

I was surprisingly blown out after this workout though. I felt like a zombie most of the day, just tired to the core. I took a nap in the afternoon which helped a bit but honestly I don't feel like I really rebounded from it until after dinner. I'm feeling much better now, but there's only a tiny bit of time left in my day before I need to hit the sack. Planning an early morning so I can get a good quality lift in before the day starts. Got to try to get some studying done now. 

Much love,

Jess

The cold is so key

I'm much faster in the cold. I think it's a combination of being more comfortable and being a taller person that produces more body heat that's hard to get rid of which makes me faster in the cold. I made a point of running in the heat and working on improving my heat tolerance over the summer, but I do feel real good about it cooling down. It makes everything so much more pleasant.

My original plan had been to take today off, but seeing as the weather was threatening rain tomorrow, I decided to just take an easy base run today and switch that for a day off tomorrow, that way I could spend some time with Henry in the morning before a very busy Saturday afternoon. I started out quicker than I was expecting so I thought I would try to stay under 9:00 pace today. I figured the weather was cooperating and I felt pretty good so I just went for it. I didn't even push particularly hard, it was actually a fairly comfortable pace to hold, which surprises me. I had to remind myself not to slow down periodically, but all in all it didn't require much push and it was definitely within threshold. My hamstrings are still pretty tight from Monday's run, which also surprises me because it's been an entire week, but I definitely was feeling them the second half of today's run. All in all it was good though, exactly what I wanted out of an end of the day base run.

Today's Workout: Easy base 7 mi run
Summary: 7.04 mi, 1:02:16, 8:51 pace.
Pace splits by mile: 8:42, 9:00, 8:59, 8:54, 8:51, 8:46, 8:47.
Hit rate: 10/11 (90.9%)

Day off tomorrow! Yay! (:

Much love,
Jess

Some days are just tough

And you have to fight through them. It's odd for me to have two tough days in a row. Things typically bounce back the day after a hard day, but I guess not this time. After not feeling great yesterday and truncating a workout, I got to masters practice this morning and spent most of the workout wanting to cry. Honestly I woke up feeling fine and figured I would have an average swim if not the best swim in the world, but there were a bunch of factors at play and it didn't turn out too great.

For one it was a great turnout today, which is awesome on one hand, but also crowds the pool and pushes some faster swimmers into the lane that I typically swim in. Not only am I currently slower than I had been most of the current year but my lane was also faster than it typically is, which made me feel pretty horrible for being the last one into the wall by a significant amount every time. I know that really no one cares or judges and I'm probably not holding the workout up by that much, but it just doesn't feel great. My discomfort with being last by a significant margin surprises me a little bit though. I've been in this position a lot in my life. I know that you have to have a certain degree of comfort with being in this position in order to progress. You don't get faster leading a lane that doesn't challenge you. Playing catch up is always how I've always improved. So it's strange that I don't like doing it right now. It's probably because I don't feel like I'm where I should be. If I felt like my swimming was the best that it could be right now, I would accept being slow, but I know I can do so much better and underperforming alongside being the slowest in our workout group is just rough.

As far as being slow right now goes, a lot of it comes down to not having the same kind of upper body and core strength as I used to. I let some of that go for the run training and due to the back injury which has kept me out of the gym, and the swimming has definitely slipped because of it. I also just don't have the same kind of sprint power I used to or the technical skill in terms of stroke efficiency/turns/etc. Part of that is probably because long course didn't lend itself to really pushing myself and part of it is wrapped up in the fact that I just haven't been swimming as much and everything down to my lung capacity is feeling it. All in all, my swimming just hasn't felt great.

Finally, there was the whole issue of expectations. It was sprint day, I guess I was just expecting nice easy short sets and there ended up being an early set of 5 x 200s with pickups in the middle on a 1:30 base (which would have been a piece of cake 4 or 5 months ago but is quite the struggle now) that just knocked all the confidence out of my person. I felt especially terrible when some of the other swimmers in my lane chose to put paddles on and basically left me in the dust despite the fact that I was still making the intervals. It was rough. There was literally nothing I wanted more than to just get out and go home in the middle of that set. But I got through it (because really what other choice did I have?) and things got a little bit easier from there on out. One of my lane mates who I swim with pretty frequently at masters practice could definitely tell that I was out of it and feeling discouraged today so he made a big point of turning back and saying encouraging things like "time for the fast one!" or "almost finished!" in a very peppy manner every once in a while between intervals. That really helped keep me going. It made me feel like someone was rooting for me and that meant a lot.

In any case, here's the summary!

Today's Workout: AM CSP practice, sprint free day
Summary:

• WU: 450 swim (should have been 600, I got in a tad late)
• Main Set:
• 5 x 100 free @ 1:30, moderate w/ head down sprint last 12.5
• 5 x 200 free @ 3:00, moderate w/ head down sprints at the end of each 100 (I didn't do the pick ups, I was just trying to make the interval)
• 4 x 50 free MAX @ 1:00
• 200 easy
• 4 x 100 kick w/ fins @ 1:30, focus on the jump off the walls
• 10 x 50 free @ 1:00
• 1, 4, 7, 10 MAX
• The rest moderate focusing on where you would breathe in a sprint 50 (breath control)
• 100 easy
• WD: 4 x 75 @ 1:15, moderate, first 25 breath control
• Total Distance: 3650 SCY

Hit Rate: 9/10 (90%)

Tomorrow is the day off! We made it! Weekend plans are yet to be confirmed because the weather is being questionable. I'll keep you posted. Time for Pats vs. Dolphins! Let's go Patriots! (:

Much love,

Jess

Today, I was kind to myself

I'm not often kind to myself when it comes to training. I guess that's really not the point of training. Sometimes I have days like today when I think that maybe I should change that. Exercise is supposed to be a kindness to your body and a kindness to your mind and a kindness to your soul and it's so easy for someone like me to push all of that aside in pursuit of faster. But today, I was kind to myself, and I'm proud of that.

I had an interval set planned, a repeat of my October 1st treadmill interval workout at a slightly faster pace, and it was one of those days where I felt like from the very outset it wasn't going to go very well. I thought maybe it was just a matter of being slow to warm up though, so I gave myself a nice long warm up before launching into it and things really didn't feel much better. There are a lot of excuses I could make (and will talk about later in this post) for why I then decided to just axe the set and go home, but in reality all it was was that I didn't feel well. I had woken up feeling well, way better than what I was expecting given the combination of the load on my body and the work at school and the hours of sleep I've been getting (which have been acceptable, but not perfect), and I didn't want to give that up today. I wanted to feel good, and I listened to myself, and I was kind to myself, and I am allowing myself to feel good.

Now here come all the things that could be construed (if by no one else, then at least by myself) as excuses, but I want to remind myself that they're also perfectly valid reasons to make a decision. Not every decision to not stubbornly charge ahead at full speed at all times is the wrong decision. It's like Henry said, if life were a race, you would have to pace yourself to get the most out of it.

I could have probably gritted my teeth and gotten through the workout I had planned or down-adjusted the pace, but honestly I don't know what my body would have been willing to take from that experience. It would have spent the rest of the day exhausted and likely not gotten enough sleep tonight before I hit the pool for a workout early tomorrow morning. My body would be beat up and unhappy and I would be beat up and unhappy and the marginal physical gain I was going to get from that workout really didn't seem like it was going to be worth those consequences.

Also, there is the obvious and real issue of the fact that I was tired running today, which meant my form was sloppy. That can get dangerous on a treadmill, and even when I tried really hard to focus on correcting my form, my exhausted brain really couldn't keep up with both the physical effort and the mental effort. So in the end I just called it quits, took it as a short "easier" day, and will focus on trying to make tomorrow better.

Today's Workout: AM treadmill run
Summary:

• All at 2% grade
• WU: 2400 m @ 6.0-6.5 mph
• Main Set: 400/200, 800/400, 400/200 @ 8.0/6.0 mph
• WD: 800 m easy @ 6.0 mph 
• Total (machine): 3.55 mi, 32:41
• Total (Garmin): 3.33 mi, 32:40, 9:48 pace

Hit Rate: 8/9 (88.8%)

Notice that I still let it count towards my hit rate. I'm reminding my future self that it is acceptable to be kind to myself. Also, a shortened workout is different from a missed workout and if nothing else, I'm still moving in the right direction. Not every day has to be a destructively hard and impressive day. Some days are just average. Some days are less than average. But I got out there and followed the advice that every recreational athlete has been given: Do the first 20 minutes. If you're still not feeling it, you can be let off the hook. And usually in that time period, you get into it and you can finish the workout. But some days, it just isn't meant to be. On those days, it's worth accepting that you tried and that it's better to come back and try again tomorrow. I will try again tomorrow. (:

Much love,

Jess

The rain can't stop us!

I woke up to a soft drizzle this morning. I didn't want to run the risk of getting caught in a bigger storm on my bike so I opted out of swim practice and decided to go to the gym instead. Since I woke up so ridiculously early, it meant I had loads of time this morning after I got home to Skype my family and eat breakfast and generally chill before the day really got started. The gym session was pretty chill. I wasn't very strong today, which was a bummer, but it was nice just to get in there and move some weight around. I also tried to focus on some of those pre-hab/re-hab things and did some stability work which was much needed and will hopefully be appreciated by my body. Here's the rundown!

Today's Workout: AM Gym, ~1 hr.
Summary:

• Flat bench: WU 12 @ 45 lbs, working 3 x 10/8/7 @ 75 lbs, burn out 12 @ 55 lbs 
• Pull downs: 4 x 12 alt. wide/narrow grip @ 6 plates 
• Squats: 4 x 20/12/20/12 alt. bodyweight w/ band and goblet @ 35 lbs
• Superset: 3 x
• DB row: 12/side @ 35 lbs
• Single arm standing shoulder press: 12/side @ 15 lbs (that core work though)
• Step ups: 3 x 12/side @ 15/10/10 lbs/side (dropped the weight down because of hip sway, still focusing on that glute engagement)
• Incline bench: 3 x 12/10/8 @ 55 lbs
• Superset: 3 x
• DB curl: 12/side @ 15 lbs
• DB skull crushers: 12 @ 10 lbs/side
• No rest: 3 x
• 20 bridge w/ leg extensions
• 20 bodyweight forward lunges

Hit Rate: 7/8 (87.5%)

I guess I'm gonna try and hit the pool on Thursday or Friday (probably Thursday, because Thursday night is the Pats game and I will probably want to watch that and sleep in on Friday). First up is tomorrow's treadmill workout though! That's all for today. (:

Much love,

Jess

Alllllll the running!

Turns out being consistent about working out is easier to come by than being consistent about log blogging. Oh well, I'm trying!

I had the pleasure of running with a friend yesterday, which isn't something I typically do. It's sometimes hard to find someone of a similar training pace as you and to have schedules line up. A lot of it is because I am slightly neurotic about my workouts, so I want them to be perfect, and it's really only the casual runs where I allow a little bit more variability by outside influences like friends. Typically I only run with friends on easy days, but yesterday I took a pretty normal base day run with a friend. Granted, this friend when she's in shape would be way faster than me, but she hasn't really been training seriously these past few months so it put us in a good similar place. It was nice because we took most of the run fairly relaxed (I had run a grand total of 3 miles since the half and yet my body was still feeling all kinds of beat, so I wasn't trying to be aggressive) and then we picked it up in the nice straight flats towards the end. We were holding the kind of pace that would have usually been hurting me, but it was so much easier and more intuitive with a partner holding the same pace next to you. It was really nice, really reduced the mental load, made the entire run way more enjoyable. Here's the summary!

Yesterday's Workout: Base/easy 7 mi run (which turned out to be less than that b/c we started from her apartment which is closer to the park, but whatever)
Summary: 6.49 mi, 58:57, 9:05 pace.
Pace splits by mile: 9:42, 9:42, 9:26, 8:53, 8:35, 8:28, 8:30.
Hit Rate: 5/6 (83.3%)

Today, I did my run in the afternoon and tackled an outdoor long interval workout for the first time in a long time. It was aggressive and painful and I spent most of the day dreading it and being terrified, but I went out and conquered it and I am immensely proud of the effort. Typically when I had run mile repeats before, I did a mile out and a mile back, but because of the layout of the park, I decided to do each mile as an out and back in order to take advantage of a nice straight flat path without intersections. The turn around sapped energy every time but working through that was a big confidence booster. Also I had my watch set to give me splits for the first and second half, meaning I had to hold a more even pace throughout the mile. (Before, I used to do a lot of going out super fast and just sort of dragging my feet the second half.)

Some interesting notes: The pace felt really aggressive until I really lifted my head up and looked ahead on the path instead of at the ground and then I started feeling like the pace was fast but definitely maintainable in a long race under the right conditions. Trying to bring down the perceived effort while I'm doing these is definitely a goal that I have and today I got a glimpse of the fact that it really is possible. Also, I had been aiming to do 8 mile repeats, but was fully prepared to only get to maybe 6, since I hadn't had one of these workouts in a while and they are really tough. I gritted my teeth through number 6 and told myself it was the last one, but after stopping and getting a drink (I strategically picked my start/end point so that I could get a drink between reps) I felt like I had enough for one more, so I buckled down before my brain could change its mind and went for one more (which I made!). I thought about just getting that 8th one in but my legs felt like they were going to disintegrate so I decided I would save it for about two weeks from now when I'll try this workout again. Hopefully I'll get to work both on making the reps feel easier and getting to that 8th one!

Today's Workout: Interval run, 7 x 1 mi repeats @ 7:30-8:00 pace w/ 3 mins rest between reps
Summary: 10.79 mi, 1:44:13, 9:39 pace (total including warm up and warm down)
Pace splits for each set: 7:45/7:40, 7:46/7:43, 7:53/7:43, 7:53/7:44, 7:55/7:48, 7:53/7:49, 7:56/7:52
Hit Rate: 6/7 (85.7%)

Needless to say, my legs feel pretty destroyed right now. I'm going to hit the sack early tonight, planning on hitting up masters swim in the morning, so lots of rest will be needed. It'll be a tough couple of days, but I will most likely either be taking Thursday off or taking it as an easy run or easy swim day (or putting my planned Friday gym day on Thursday and taking Friday easy) so there will be some amount of relaxation waiting for me later on in the week. Just gotta get through it! (Still riding that super proud of myself high. Awwwwww yeah. Hope this feeling stays!)

Much love,
Jess

It's funny how destroying a workout and getting destroyed by a workout can feel exactly the same...New shoes be all dusted up now! #milerepeats

A photo posted by Jessica Hao (@newxheights) on Oct 26, 2015 at 2:22pm PDT

RNR

It's weird to have to admit that despite having a lower load training week than usual (easy swim/run on Mon/Tues, Wed off, real workouts on Thu/Fri) I'm still not really fully recovered from my half. There are plenty of people who can run a half marathon and have a super quick turn around time, people who don't get sore or stiff or achy and have bodies that bounce right back. I'm not one of those people. I noticed it after my last half too: Even though I wasn't really sore, it took quite a few days of real rest before I was back to being ready to run again. And it was summer, so I was at home relaxing, which really helped push that process along. This week has been crazy for me because the training that I have done has been interwoven with a lot of school/life busy-ness and the recovery has been slow but I haven't wanted to slow down. It's meant that I've not really recovered as well as I wanted/expected and that's made for a couple of tough nights this week. Last night Henry really convinced me that I need to take it easier on myself, so I decided to sleep in today and thought about canceling my other plans too if I didn't feel well.

I'm feeling really good actually. After a super restful night's worth of sleep, I'm definitely feeling better both physically and mentally. I'm going to try and keep it low stress and low pressure today. It feels weird not to be working out when I had planned on working out, but I know that in the grand scheme of things it's not all that important. Once again, I find myself making adjustments to my training plans, but we'll make them work. The week ahead will be tough but I really have to work on finding the right balance so that I can keep mental stress a little lower. Sometimes I forget that the summative tole on my body can be really high and I need to respect that and give myself some quality RNR time. It's okay to not be constantly pushing forwards, you have to pace yourself in life just like you have to pace yourself in racing. It's a marathon, not a sprint. We're gonna make it. (:

Hit Rate: 4/5 (80%)

Much love,
Jess

First thing's first!

Started the day with a swim today. 4:30 am alarms are never easy, but I think it's generally better to start my days with a workout rather than spend the entire day anticipating it. The thing about genuinely loving and caring about everything that you do on a daily basis is that it's draining. The things we learn sitting down in a lecture hall are draining, the things we learn standing at a dissection table or at the bedside are draining, the extracurricular things I do that I care about and love are draining, and genuinely being about everything that you're doing does not make it any less draining, so given the choice between the 5:15 am workout with a 4:30 am alarm and the 5:00 pm workout after a full day of school/work, I'd probably prefer the 4:30 am alarm just because it's so hard to have anything left to give at 5:00 pm.

That having been said, I have "I've been up and at it for 12 hours already now" problems. It's 4:30 pm, I should really have spent the past half hour of somewhat free time either working or cleaning my apartment and I did neither, I just sort of sat on my computer and browsed Facebook. I get that everyone needs breaks throughout the day but honestly I feel terrible when I'm this busy and I take breaks. I don't have time to take breaks. I really just have to get through what I have to do.

The weekend's also shaping up to be a stressful one. Weekends are full of errands for me (grocery shopping, lots of preparatory cooking for the week, cleaning, etc.), as well as long workouts, sometimes volunteer work, and time I have to carve out to spend with Henry and hopefully get some amount of academic work done, so it's a lot and they're honestly not very relaxing. You know you're probably in a bad spot when it's the end of the workday on Friday and you're dreading the upcoming 72 hours. (And I cap it at 72 because I can't think about the upcoming week after that yet.) Just want to rest. But no rest for the weary...Anyways, the point: I'm glad I swam this morning, because if I had a workout scheduled for now (which I don't because I have a PT appointment in less than 30 mins and an event I have to attend from 6-8 pm after that), it would so not be happening.

Today was the first time I'd gone back to masters swim in a while. The commute is long, a half hour on my bike out and a half hour back, going at a leisurely pace on my hybrid. It means I tack about an hour of activity onto a 1:15 swim and on the way back, my legs burn real easy if I don't make a conscious effort to go real slow and just spin in low gears. Today was IM day, which I generally enjoy, although the soreness from yesterday's gym session made certain parts of the workout a little rough. I'm generally disappointed with how slow my swimming is right now, but seeing as I haven't been seriously training the swimming recently, it's to be expected. I've got a lot of work to do in the pool, but for now I'll save that for January and those mid-winter months when I'll probably be spending a lot of time focusing on my swimming while working on base building for the bike and maintenance for the running in the lead up to prep for USAT Collegiate Nationals. I treat my pool time now as just a necessary part of staying well-rounded while I do my little run-focused block. Here are the details!

Today's Workout: AM CSP Practice, IM day
Summary:

• WU: 500 swim
• Pre-set:
• 4 x 125 IMO, 50 kk/50 dr/25 sw @ 3PR
• 3 x 100 pull w/ paddles @ 1:35
• 4 x 75 IM no free @ 3PR
• 6 x 75 kick choice w/ fins @ 1:15, 50 mod/25 fast
• Main Set: 3 x
• 50 stroke IMO by round @ 1:00
• 200 IM @ 3:30
• 50 stroke IMO by round @ :55 (1:00 for breast)
• 100 free @ 1:35
• Extra 30SR per round
• WD:
• 50 easy
• 4 x 75 free/stroke/free @ 3PR
• Total Distance: 3600 SCY, 75 mins

Hit Rate: 4/4 (100%)

Tomorrow morning will start w/ an easy 7 miler I'm planning on running with one of my friends. She's a lot faster than me so hopefully I'll be able to reign her in and keep the pace where I want to keep it. That's important to me right now since I've been aching from last weekend still and a lot of it is in my joints so I want to prioritize being safe while I'm easy back into the serious running. Time for PT! Send me good vibes to get me through the rest of this long long day...

Much love,

Jess

No room for ego

I forgot where I had first heard that, but somewhere along the line I had picked up the phrase, "There's no space for your ego at the gym". It's a crazy true statement, especially given where I'm at right now. Having not seriously or consistently been in the gym for almost half a year now and nursing this back injury meant that I had to be okay with what almost felt like going through the motions at the gym. Wanting to do everything the right way and the safe way meant there wasn't much pushing (and to be honest, the combination of it being early and me being not super pain adapted right now meant I didn't really want to push that hard anyways) and a lot of generally being weaker than I want to be. Had to check my ego at the door and just work smart today, gotta trust in the long-term plan and be patient. Despite not being as strong or as healthy as I want to be, it was a good way to start the day and I know it's just another starting point. I'm going to try and get back into the gym more regularly, at least once a week, so I can start building back some strength and so I have an opportunity to do more work on stability and movement efficiency. Here's the run down of my hour.

Today's Workout: Gym, full body, compound focused, stability-focused lower body work

• Flat bench: WU 12 @ 45 lbs, working 3 x 8 @ 75 lbs, burnout 12 @ 55 lbs
• Pulldowns: 4 x 12 @ 6 plates (I don't know these weights...) alternating wide/narrow grip by set
• Squats w/ band around knees: 20 bodyweight, 12 overhead w/ small bar (25 lbs?), 20 bodyweight
• DB shoulder press: 3 x 12/12/8-3 @ 20 lbs/side
• DB row: 3 x 12/side @ 35 lbs
• Step ups: 3 x 12/side @ 15/side (DBs) - focus was on keeping hips even throughout movement (stable lower spine)
• Incline bench: 3 x 12/10/8 @ 55 lbs
• Stretch cord butterfly: 3 x 20
• Back extensions: 12 w/ 10 lbs, 12 bodyweight

Hit Rate: 3/3 (100%)

In other news, today I changed my first flat! Which was an adventure and harder than I thought it would be, but I did it, and I'm immensely proud. I then took my bike to the post office so I could mail something and made sure that it was in fact functional, and it is! So I will be taking it out tomorrow morning to swim practice very early in the morning. Time for me to clean up the cookware from dinner and hit the sack super early so I can be up super early! Yay!

Much love,

Jess

Accepting your limits

There are a couple of big factors that I think have really shaped my mentality and the way I approach life nowadays. I grew up with Asian parents who were big on telling me exactly where I stood both in terms of my abilities/talents/limitations and in terms of my work ethic. I was smart and not very hard-working when it came to school, I had a moderate amount of musical ability but again no work ethic when it came to piano, I had no talent and an average amount of work ethic when it came to dance, I had a tiny bit of talent and a lot of work ethic when it came to swimming. Unlike a lot of parents, my parents weren't really "process" parents. They didn't see it as my job to try my best on everything. I think they knew that if I were to throw myself at everything 100%, I would burn out super quickly because I have the capacity to invest myself in things too fully. At the same time, they also made it very clear that in the arenas of life where I was capable and fell short because I didn't work hard enough, that was on me. I think the message at the end of the day was always to set goals and know exactly where I want to be and balance the talent/work division in such a way that I got there without wrecking myself.

The other big factor is that I grew up as an endurance athlete. I lived within the confines of a sport that rewards the kind of work ethic that doesn't stop for anything. It's hard to be successful as a swimmer. You put in a lot of hours, your easy days are few and far between because the sport is so low impact, you're sore pretty much all the time because the sport is year-round and even with periodization, you don't really get many real breaks from the grind. A few big things that I took away from those years are that (a) accomplishing what you want to accomplish can be really difficult and (b) you are deeper than you think (as is everyone else, so if you want to keep up, you'd better be working).

I think all of this has put me in a place where I honestly believe that when my dreams are big (by my standards) and are the kinds of dreams that require a lot on the work end to make up for a lack of talent on the talent end, I feel like I always have to be working at the edge of what I'm capable of. And the biggest problem I have with that right now is that I can't define that edge very clearly, and even when I can, I don't necessarily want to acknowledge it. One of the things you learn from going to practice day in and day out is that your brain always wants you to quit before your body really will, so it doesn't matter how much it hurts or how hard it is, you just have to suck it up and keep pushing. It's never been okay to just stop and rest, because even though that might make things easier or the rest of your workout faster, it's going to stall your progress in the long run.

But then real life steps in, and strangely enough my earliest interactions with physical exhaustion have all come in the form of swim practice. So when I'm exhausted in real life and I have a list of things I should be doing but I just want to take a break and recharge a bit, I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of letting myself do that because it's like quitting in the middle of a set. Physical exhaustion always feels like something I should just be able to push through and when I can't do it, it makes me feel like I've really failed.

Why am I here writing this thing? Yesterday was a tough day. It ended really rough for me and I ended up just staying up really late crying over how exhausted I was and how I really couldn't face this day up ahead because there was so much to do (including an early morning workout). Logically, all that says is that I should take the day off and cut myself some slack for not being perfect while taking recovery more seriously than I am right now, but in my heart it just feels like I've failed. It feels like I stopped pushing and let go in the middle of a set I should have fought through.

Regardless, I guess the point is this: I slept in this morning. I will not be working out today. I'm pushing the gym session back to tomorrow and making a few adjustments to the rest of the week. I didn't have a rest day planned this week so it really doesn't hurt to take one (so no hit against the hit rate), especially since I haven't actually taken a full day off since the half and this will probably be good for me in the grand scheme of things. I thought these thoughts were worth the update. I'm sure I'll come back to them at some point in the future and they'll ring true for another day later in the cycle. Wish me luck with the rest of the day. I'm going to try to be the best that I can be, even if I didn't get off on as good of a start as I had wanted.

Much love,
Jess

Letting things not go according to plan. Being bigger than the fear.

So the drafting of the training plan from now until the Hot Chocolate 15k is well underway and my life has already thrown me enough curve balls that I've had to modify my first week plans about three times. It's a funny reminder to just keep focused on the big picture instead of getting caught up in the details. I guess it's really the only way to make training work alongside everything else in my life (by which I really just mean med school). Flexibility is key and flexibility is not detrimental to my progress so long as I do it right. Gotta remember to keep that in mind over the course of this training block.

Yesterday I went for a swim in the evening with Victoria. I don't know why I decided not to take a day off (I'm actually not planning on taking a day off for a while, just planning on doing a lot of active recovery) but that's what I decided, so I rode my bike out to the Athletic Complex and took a swim! I blew a flat on the way out which was a bummer because (a) I had to ride half the way there and the whole way back on a flat, which was rough on my legs and also likely rough on my bike and (b) I was planning on going to masters swim on Thursday morning but it seems like that won't be happening until I get my new tubes in the mail (thus more plan readjusting!).

In any case, the swim itself was alright. I had been planning on just chilling it but ended up doing some real work because Victoria was there with a friend and they were actually working out so I hopped in and out for parts of their set. I was extraordinarily slow and it really hurt to be swimming intervals that should have realistically been easy. I'm sure it was a combination of having been out of the pool for a while (and not really focused on the swimming in recent months even when I was getting pool hours in) and having run a half marathon the day before. There was also a lot of dawdling and chatting during the workout so I spent about an hour and a half at the pool but only maybe 50% of that was real swimming. It was fun though, I got to hang out with my friend and meet someone new and make a new friend, and I got some swimming in. All in all it was a very enjoyable experience.

Monday's Workout: PM rec swim

• WU: 1000 SKIPS
• Main Set:
• 2 x (2 x 100 free @ 1:30) w/ copious amounts of rest in the middle (I just butted in during parts of Victoria/Thomas's workout)
• 8 x 75 @ 1:15, odds 50 swim easy/25 kick fast, evens 50 kick fast/25 swim easy (this was particularly rough on my already roughed up legs...)
• WD: 100 easy
• Total Distance: 2100 SCY

Hit Rate: 1/1 (100%)

Today, after quite a long day in terms of general life, I took a short easy run just to shake out the legs. Nothing fancy. I had this entire conversation with myself while I was out there about the upcoming training block and how it's crazy that my PB in this recent half marathon has really made me feel like if I worked hard for it, I could improve my running by a lot. It makes me want to be really focused and disciplined and structured about my training and it really makes me want to chase speed rather than just chasing more endurance. That's also really tough though, I find intensity a lot more mentally challenging and intimidating compared to distance so I know it's going to be a struggle to really get myself to commit to something that is in reality just going to hurt a lot and be really difficult. But now that I think I have the ability to improve, I can't just let that go to waste, I feel like I have to pursue it. And I guess more importantly, I really really want to pursue it. So it's all very scary and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to rise above that fear and get what I need to do done. I have no answers, but I figure if I tackle it one workout at a time the way I tackled the race one mile at a time, I'll end up getting to where I want to be (or at least I'll be however many steps ahead of where I am right now, even if I do ultimately fall short). 

Today's Workout: PM easy recovery run

Summary: 3.13 mi, 30:35, 9:46 pace.

Pace splits by mile: 9:40, 9:54, 9:44, 9:38.

Hit Rate: 2/2 (100%)

As you can see, I'm starting up the hit rate measure again. I'll keep this up until the race in December and see if it continues to serve me well. In the meantime, the current update is that tomorrow will be an early morning gym session, the contents of which I will be flexible about pending how my body feels when I wake up. I'll hopefully be reporting back more frequently than I have been the past few weeks as well. I think I'm off to a pretty good start. Excited to start on this new block! Yay! (:

Much love,

Jess

PS - I signed up for next year's Rock n Roll St. Louis Half Marathon yesterday! Presale pricing was too good to pass up, can't wait to run this race again in a year and hopefully scrape off some more time! (:

Race Report: Rock 'n' Roll St. Louis Half Marathon

I've been saying this for weeks now but I swear at some point I'm gonna get it together and get back to logging on this blog regularly. But again, I find myself here playing a game of catch up. So. Quick skim through the two weeks leading up to the race first, then I'll do my race recap!

The Final Workouts:

• 10/07 Wednesday: short trainer ride, sprint intervals, ~45 mins
• 10/08 Thursday: OFF
• 10/09 Friday: trainer ride, under/over threshold intervals and single leg drills, ~1:25
• 10/10 Saturday: long run, 10.47 mi, 1:35:16, 9:06 pace
• 10/11 Sunday: easy run w/ Henry, 4.08 mi, 38:17, 9:23 pace w/ two legs of fast pick ups in the middle
• 10/12-10/14: OFF (med school midterms)
• 10/15 Thursday: tempo run, 7.07 mi, 1:01:05, 8:38 pace
• 10/16 Friday: tempo run, 4.79 mi, 41:38, 8:42 pace
• 10/17 Saturday: OFF
• 10/18 Sunday: RACE DAY!

A couple thoughts about the lead up two weeks:

• I'm glad I did my longest run a little further out than I had originally planned. Getting comfortable with the distance more than a week out was pretty key.
• I'm not really sure why I was doing trainer rides, I think it was a matter of convenience more than anything because I was busy and trainer rides are quicker. Also there were some rough days thrown in there where I couldn't get a run in during the day and my only options after dark are indoors, so the trainer just ends up being a good default. I also had some knee pain in that time span so I thought maybe less impact would be helpful.
• The tempo runs I took just before the race blew my mind. I was feeling great because I was rested from not training during midterm studying and the weather had cooled down, which was super key. Between those things, I busted out some pretty quick runs and was feeling pretty good going into the race yesterday. 
• As per usual, I had a ton of phantom pain the night before the race and I had a really hard time sleeping. Luckily I got a lot of good sleep two nights prior, so I definitely had the rest reserves I needed. 
• I think I put quite a bit of pressure on myself to do well, because my running has been improving and I've been seeing it come through in the training, so I really wanted to come through in the race as well. It made me really anxious and it made the experience a little bit stressful, but on the other hand, "it hurts because it matters", right? Or at least that's what I told myself. I care. It's not bad to care, that's how we get to where we want to go.

Race report time!

5:10 AM - Woke up, ate breakfast (a breakfast sandwich, a banana, a bottle of water), got changed, headed out. Took a 6 am metro train down to the venue, consumed half a bottle of Vitamin Water in the process.

6:30 AM - Arrived at the venue, used the porta-potty, took off all the layers keeping me warm (it was 30 F out and I had made the decision to race in shorts and a t-shirt) and packed it away for bag check. I took a gel 15 minutes from the start w/ half a bottle of water and stayed warm with an old mylar blanket from the Philly Half Marathon. Got in my corral and waited for the start gun!

7:00 AM - The first corral was off! We were off about a minute after that. The pack I was in took off at a nice leisurely pace which I needed. I pinned my eyes on two guys who were running about the pace I wanted in front of me and just relaxed into that pace. I was getting passed by a fair number of people in the earlier miles, but those two stayed right on track in terms of how fast I wanted to be running so I calmed myself down that way. The first 4-5 miles felt really easy. According to my watch, the first set of splits were: 8:14, 8:19, 8:22, 8:00 (mostly downhill), and 8:28. I was enjoying some great cover bands and music from the 80s/90s every once in a while and just cruising along fairly happily. To be fair, I was hoping to start out in the 8:30s range in terms of opening pace, so I did genuinely take it out too fast, but the effort had felt smooth and I decided to take the risk of crashing in order to maybe be rewarded with a big PB. Who knows, I thought it was worth it and I went for it. I really don't regret that, despite the fact that there were tough times ahead in the rest of the race.

Then there came a stretch with a little bit more elevation variation (the entire course was super super super flat, I'm just saying there was a little bit more less flat in this section than in others) and the effort started feeling a bit harder. The guys I had kept my eyes on before ran away from me as I assume they started picking up the pace, as a lot of people around me had. I just kept my eye on my watch and tried to stay the course. The splits from miles 6 to 9 were: 8:08, 8:23, 8:36, 8:36. As you can see, the pace started slipping a bit on miles 8 and 9. It's also worth noting that my feet really started to hurt around this point. I guess I normally train on softer gravel and the combination of the pavement and my shoes being way past their shelf life was really wearing on my feet. I just ignored it for the rest of the race though because it wasn't a problem I could solve, so I just put it out of mind.

After passing the mile 9 marker, I started picking it up knowing there were only a handful of miles left. At mile 10, there was a clock showing a little after 1:25 (gun time) and I knew that it would take a big push to get under 1:50. Honestly any PB was my goal, but a sub-1:50 would have been amazing, so I really tried to step down on it and push hard. The next round of paces (miles 10 to 13.1): 8:13, 8:23, 8:02, 8:02. I was really hurting all those miles. I got through it by just repeating to myself "Who do you want to be? What are you willing to fight?" and I knew I was willing to fight through it to get to my goals so I just kept pushing. My face must have looked terrible but that's just a part of racing for me: I can't keep what I'm feeling off of my face ever. My effort is probably better expended on trying to run faster. 

I could usually tell when I was slowing down because my posture got more and more upright and my head tended to lean back. Every time I noticed that I would just reset and look down and lean forward a bit and focus on just driving and I would feel the pace come back up. It sucked, but it was getting me closer to where I needed to go so I went for it. I tried really hard to do the thing where I kept my eyes on someone ahead in those last miles and would reel them in and pass them. I got a couple girls that way, although one fought her way back and ended up crossing the finish line just seconds before me. 

The finish involved a rather long uphill into a turn into a quarter mile "home stretch". My brain was so ready to quit by that turn and my pace was definitely slowing down. Then I hit my Garmin and switched it over from giving me lap paces/times (I wanted to focus on one mile at a time while I was racing) to giving me the cumulative time and I saw that it was around 1:48. I didn't want to miss that sub-1:50 so I really busted it out and ran hard into the finish and managed to make it under! I was insanely proud of that. 

All in all, I think the pacing and the racing went of as smoothly as I could've asked for it. I didn't wear gloves, which was a mistake, because my hands were going to freeze off, but otherwise I'm glad I went the t-shirt/shorts route because the weather was perfect for it in my opinion. I do best in cold weather races anyways, so I'm glad the cold front came blowing through. And now I have a huge PB to show for it!

Here are the official race result details:

8:50 AM and onwards - This was around when I finished. I picked up my bag, bundled up, found a med school friend randomly and went and watched my M2 big finish his first race! (He killed it, it was awesome.) Then I headed home (and ran into an M1 friend who had just finished his first race) and proceeded to spend most of the rest of the day lamenting the physical condition my body was in. I was lucky enough to not feel super terrible after my half at home this summer, probably because my mom drove me home (I didn't have to walk) and immediately put me in a bathtub full of ice for 20 minutes. I had no such luxuries yesterday, I was really hurting the entire day. When I got home, I took a bath/shower, ate lunch, and just laid in bed for a while (eventually I fell asleep and took a nap). The nap helped give me some energy back but my body was still pretty wrecked. I did end up taking a shopping trip in the afternoon (got new running shoes and socks and swim suits at Sports Authority because I had a coupon from the race and then groceries) and that helped shake out my legs a little bit which was nice. The rest of the day was just dinner and errands and PATRIOTS FOOTBALL and then bed!

This morning I woke up way more sore than I was expecting to be, which, again, is a bummer (the surprising parts of that include how sore my obliques and my forearms are...) but I'll get by. Next up on the calendar is the Hot Chocolate 15k in mid-December! I'll be back with an update on what the training plan will be for that soon hopefully and hopefully that will help keep me accountable these upcoming months. Yay!

Other comments on the race: 

• The course here is super flat, aka super fast, which is really awesome.
• Rock 'n' Roll events are really well organized. Most big races are, and it's fantastic because everything runs so smoothly.
• There were so many photographers on course! I hope there are some good photos of me. Although I sort of doubt it because I was definitely riding the struggle bus. 
• Cold weather races = ace. T-shirt and shorts is fine, but wear gloves.
• St. Louis is definitely a smaller city. There was nothing like the crowds of the Philly Marathon Weekend, but I guess you can't expect that kind of turnout for every race. The people who did come out to cheer were awesome though. As were a lot of the volunteers and staff and safety personnel who were so positive and amazing. 
• I am so insanely proud of myself: I wanted to think that I had a sub-1:50 in me but I really didn't know and the fact that I've come so far in the past year or two of running just really blows my mind. It also gives me so much hope and motivation towards continuing to get better and I can't wait to chase getting faster and improving as a runner and as an athlete. 
• I can't wait to do this again next year! Woot woot!

That's all for now! Time to grab noms and go to anatomy. (:

Much love,

Jess

Making peace with the distance

Woohoooooo took that long run yesterday, went for 12 miles instead of 10, did them all slow instead of mixing in some faster efforts. Originally, I had planned to go for 10 today and then 12 on Saturday and another 10 on Monday, but I figured if I just made peace with the distance earlier and if I could do it on tired legs (the mileage these past four days have been 10 mi, 3 mi, 6 mi treadmill intervals, 12 mi) then there really was no reason for me to continue pushing the volume into the next week. So I bit the bullet and went for it.

It was the first time I've ever taken two laps of the park, I had been really worried about my mental status but actually it wasn't that hard to just keep going onto the second lap. I really focused on just holding that nice steady sub-10:00 pace every mile and working through it mile by mile made it a lot easier. I also stopped twice for water at fountains, which I don't usually do, and that was probably much needed and very helpful. All in all, it was slow but I'm proud of how it went. It was by no means easy even to hold the slow pace I was going, probably a product of tired legs and midday heat. I finished feeling fairly put together though and even though my legs were definitely achey the rest of the day, they've also definitely had worse. The running has come a long way. And I'm glad the highest of the volume is behind me now. Here's the summary!

Yesterday's Workout: 12 mile long run (easy)
Summary: 12.68 mi, 2:04:42, 9:50 pace.
Pace splits: 9:38, 9:54, 9:53, 10:03, 9:53, 9:51, 9:57, 9:54, 9:44, 9:45, 9:47, 9:44, 9:50.

So some changes in plans for the rest of the week: I had been planning on swimming today but a bunch of personal things kept me up a little later than expected last night and put me behind a bit on the rest of life, so I'm probably going to take an interval trainer session on my bike this afternoon instead (have a fun/terrifying sprint set lined up). Tomorrow is a day off and now I'll be dropping some of the volume from next week, meaning my longest run will probably be Saturday for 10 miles with some fast efforts mixed in and everything else will be single digit mileage, specifics TBD (and probably quite flexible depending on how I feel). I really need to start focusing on studying for exams though! Must pass.

That's all I've got for now!

Much love,
Jess

Always a game of catch up

I'm starting to realize that I'm never actually going to be on top of what's going on, and for the most part that's okay. The problem with not blogging about my workouts daily though is that it sort of defeats the purpose of blogging. I'm not here just to spit my workouts back at the page, I do that when I log on my computer or on Garmin Connect. The point of the blog is reflection, and if I don't take time to reflect the day of a workout, it tends to generally just fade away by the time I get to writing about it...I think I really need to try to prioritize this on a daily basis. It doesn't take me more than 20 minutes to write one of these posts and I think it is really meaningful towards qualitatively assessing my training. Trying to do better. Here are the updates:

On Friday I took it easy after the pounding what was my first treadmill interval session of the year. Was planning on taking a 30 minute treadmill run in the morning, because it was the only time I was free, but ended up only doing 20 minutes and a small amount of lifting instead. The treadmill is do-able when broken into chunks but pretty tough as one slow slog so I took some of the mental load off and did something a bit more fun. Kept weight really low and reasonable for the lifting, trying to protect my back and my body more than I am trying to get strong.

Friday's Workout:

• Easy run:  treadmill, 20 mins broken as 5 @ 6 mph, 15 @ 6.5 mph, 2.25 mi, 21:14. (Garmin numbers: 2.1 mi, 20:53, 9:57 pace.)
• Flat bench: WU 12 @ 45 lbs, working 3 x 12/8/8 @ 75 lbs (legs up to protect my back)
• Pull downs: 4 x 12 alt. wide/narrow grip @ 6 plates
• Goblet squats: 2 x 12 @ 45 lbs + 5 squat jumps following each set. (Even this felt hard on my legs, funny how the run before hand really changes the game.)

On Saturday I took my weekend long run, which happened after a nap cut short by Henry waking me up because I told him to and me throwing a somewhat uncharacteristic tantrum and crying for a bit. I wasn't feeling too hot so I started really slow and just told myself to try and pick up the pace by :15 per mile every two miles and I ended up having a really great building run. I didn't think I had those kind of splits in me and I was really impressed by my own running. Unfortunately I also ended up developing a pounding headache after the run that lasted for hours and pretty much wrote off the rest of my day. Check it out though, I was really proud of this one:

Saturday's Workout:

• Long run: Forest Park and Wydown, 10.37 mi, 1:36:12, 9:11 pace.
• Pace splits: 9:40, 9:54, 9:41, 9:38, 9:13, 9:22, 8:58, 8:30, 8:39, 8:36, 8:38.
• Note: The weather was perfect, nice and cool and overcast, which probably played a lot into the quick pace of the run.

Sunday was another easy day. Sunday made my Monday sort of wonky because it was in reality a really unproductive day when it didn't need to be that way and it makes me feel really stupid for not having gotten more done because now I feel really overwhelmed. As far as the workout though, it was just to shake out the legs after a big day on Saturday. I took the opportunity to take some random roads in Forest Park and run through some grass and explore a bit, which was relaxing and fun. Apparently Toby saw me while he was biking and I totally didn't see him. Whoops!

Sunday's Workout: Easy run, 3.04 mi, 30:27, 10:02 pace.

Yesterday, I took another morning treadmill interval workout, this time it was a set that was sent to the tri team GroupMe last week and it was intended as a track workout, but I figured it worked well enough for this purpose. I kept the intervals at a similar speed as last workout but the recovery breaks were shorter, so I didn't know how it was going to play out. The set itself was also shorter, so that was another factor. The one thing I really like about treadmill intervals is that you're forced to keep up. You don't have to constantly be worried about making sure you're on the right pace, the treadmill does that for you, you just have to keep up. It takes that extra mental dimension out of it, and on one hand, I realize that it's important to train that mental dimension, but on the other hand, I know that this is one of the reason I avoid doing interval and speed work. If the treadmill removes some of the mental barriers and helps me get more speed into my training, I will take it and develop that mental resilience some other way or later down the line. 

In any case, it was by no means an easy run even though it was a shorter set than what I had done a few days ago. I got through it though and was very happy with how my body handled it overall. Also, my legs were a little rough in the morning but ended up feeling great the rest of the day. I don't really know what the deal with that is, but I'm not going to complain about it!

Monday's Workout:

• Treadmill interval run: 2% incline throughout, 6.02 mi, 54:08.
• WU: 2000 m
• Main Set: 3 x [1000, 600] @ 7.5 mph w/ 200 recovery @ 6 mph between each rep
• WD: 1600 m
• Garmin numbers: 5.57 mi, 53:53, 9:41 pace.

It's worth noting that I'm posting both treadmill and Garmin numbers. I figure both are pretty inaccurate, but whatever, they give me a sense for the range of what I'm doing.

As for the rest of the week, the plan was a long run today (10 miler, some tempo pick ups, not sure about whether I'll actually do those yet, we'll see how I feel this afternoon) and an easy run tomorrow (4-6 miles). I may actually scrap the run tomorrow though and go to morning swim practice instead, since I dropped out of some shadowing work this evening (need time to study) and will have the chance to hit the sack early and get up early for that. It's also IM day! Which would be fun. So we'll see what I decide in the end. Regardless, Henry gets here tomorrow evening, Thursday will be a day off, and we'll see what Friday and the weekend bring! Gotta go deal with the rest of my life now. Glad I finally got around to writing this post. (:

Much love,

Jess