Days like today happen. Sometimes I get through them, sometimes I don't. All I could do was give it a swing today and if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. I got through 3.5 things in my workout and called it a day. Story later, summary first.
Today's AM Workout: Gym sesh, ~40 mins
Summary:
- Back squats: WU 12 @ 65#, 3 x 12 @ 105#
- Flat bench: WU 12 @ 45#, 3 x 12/10/8 @ 85#
- Deadlifts: 3 x 8 @ 145#
- Pulldowns: 3 x 12/8-4/12 @ 7 plates alt. wide/narrow grip
I had a late night last night. Anxiety/stress has been getting to me lately. I think I still have a really hard time justifying why I do this. I'm like literally one of the least athletic people I know, I just happened to have been involved in an endurance sport my entire life so it seems like I could pass for someone who is actually athletic but I'm really really not. Most people with a little bit of talent and some amount of training would fly by me when it comes to this stuff so I always find myself asking exactly why it is that I even bother funneling all this time and energy into something I'm just not very good at. And that's really discouraging. I'm still sorting those feelings out I guess.
But the point is, I was up late and I was thinking I would likely just have to pass on the gym this morning to make sure I got enough sleep but I ended up waking up at 5 am and thought about going back to bed but decided I should just suck it up and go to the gym. So I did. And I really wasn't into it. I got through the squats and bench and deadlifts alright but after that I just wanted to go home so badly. I sat around for a bit and eventually talked myself into hitting the pulldowns, but I didn't even finish all four sets of those. I just wanted to go home. So I did. Even though I did pretty well in terms of what I did do weight wise and rep scheme wise, I'm just really unhappy about quitting like that. I hate feeling like a quitter. I hate not enjoying what it is that I'm doing. I hate feeling like all of this is such a slog and I'm not getting anywhere and I need to work harder but my mind is so resistant to it right now. I'm giving it my best but my best is just a poor showing and I don't really know what to take from this other than that.
Henry's been trying to help me sort it out. He just wants me to be happy but I honestly don't know how to be happy with anything short of accomplishing exactly what I set out to accomplish. And right now that's not what's happening, so of course I'm not happy. Some people think the answer to that is to lower the bar, but honestly how is that any different from just falling short? It's like falling short but without even trying. That's gotta be worse. I dunno. Working through it. Easy run in the afternoon. We'll see where the day takes us.
Much love,
Jess
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