I was surprised to log onto the blog today for the first time in a while and see what the last post I had written was. I guess in a lot of ways it explains exactly how I've gotten to being here today, checking back in after a month long hiatus. I took some time today to read some of the posts I had written over the summer months and into the first month of school and it really reaffirmed to me the importance of documenting this experience. I feel like I had a lot of great insight in posts like this one and this one that I lose sight of when things really get going and it's a good reminder to myself of why I do what I do and where my priorities really are.
The last month has been a bit of a roller coaster. There are times where instead of calling it that, I just want to say that it's been hard. But in reality what it has been is a lot of pressure sapping a lot of joy out of my life. There's probably some generic mood disorder complement involved in some of those days as well, but at the end of the day, I found myself in a place where working out was not only physically and mentally difficult but also downright unenjoyable. I wasn't able to put in any decent efforts and I stopped taking any pride or joy out of my training. And the thing is, I don't do this because I have to, I do this because I want to. I do this because I love it and because pushing myself further and further is what makes me come alive. In the past month, it has been doing the opposite of that. It's felt like trying to keep up with the expectations I set for myself was sinking me deeper and deeper into a grave and at some point I said to myself, "This isn't why I do this", and I stopped.
So there have been some workouts here and there and maybe even a good quality session or two, but I dropped a lot of the structure and stepped back from the slog and have been working hard at letting myself rest. It's been a mildly successful effort. I won't lie, I really struggled with just setting my goals down. I felt like I was letting myself down, I felt like I was making excuses and being unaccountable and it generally wasn't something I was proud of. But no matter what kind of effort I put in, I wouldn't have been where I wanted to be because I was no longer enjoying the process, I was resenting it instead. It's been a lot of ups and downs in terms of coming to terms with what my body and (perhaps more importantly) my mind is telling me I need. I needed a break from the goals and the structure and even though I didn't really want to take it, it was demanded of me. So I stepped down, which I am disappointed about, but am realizing more and more every day that it's the right thing to do.
It's funny because I hurt my foot over the weekend somehow (oh and I hope everyone had a great American Thanksgiving!) and as much as I'm bummed out about what that means for my training, I'm also sort of glad it gives me an excuse to (a) not train and (b) not take this upcoming race seriously. I still do want to race, so I am really anxious for my foot to get better, but I know at this point that it won't be a competitive race, it will be a fun race. I will take it as if it were a typical long run and a study break from exam week and I will enjoy every moment of it instead of worrying about and focusing on a specific finish time. I do hope my foot actually gets better in time though, the past few days haven't been very promising and it is something that worries me. I will keep you updated.
In any case, the title of this post is a question I ask myself pretty often. I don't even know what it is I mean a lot of the time when I think about chasing glory, but I guess for me that just happens to be whatever goal I've set for myself in that moment. I wanted to improve my running, I wanted to get better, that was the glory I was seeking, and I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I will not be getting it this month with this upcoming race. It felt so easy to frame all of the signs I was getting from myself that I needed to take a step back as weakness and an unwillingness to "pay the price", but the more I step out of that place of viewing training in a negative light, the more I'm starting to see that the price wasn't right. Do I have an answer for what the right price is? Definitely not. But I had to swing way too far in the wrong direction in order to realize that I was getting into shaky territory and that realization in and of itself will be enough for me for now. I get the sense it will take me a long time to find that right balance. We'll be having this conversation a lot, so buckle down.
As for the status of this blog, I will probably not be posting as regularly during this next block of unstructured existence that I have planned. I'll be here occasionally, but I don't expect to be back regularly until late January, when I make and put into action a plan to be ready for the big spring triathlon races. It's okay because I don't think anyone reads this anyways, so I'm sure you won't miss me.
Until next time!
Much love,
Jess
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