I know it's not quite the New Year yet, but since I'll be in China with what will likely be limited access to blogging websites (thank the Great Firewall for that), I figured it would be better to write this sooner rather than later.
I'm not typically a resolution setter. Or at least not a New Years Resolution kind of resolution setter. I think I like to set resolutions at whatever random time of year they are convenient to me and am about as good at following through with them as typical New Years Resolution setters are (by which I mean they tend to last in the range of 3-10 days). I want to try it this year though, because this is something that I really want to do, and like maybe if I set a resolution and tell people about it they'll hold me accountable for it. So here goes.
I want to log blog every single day of 2016. (Which is 366 days because it's a leap year!) The reflection that I do here carries a lot of value to me and the therapeutic effects of this crazy shout into the void are totally real. The blog really helps me stay in tune with what's happening with my body and in my mind and I think it'll be important to helping me maintain the balance that I have still not really found. 366 days means blogging even on the off days or weeks or months (who knows what will happen right?) because those days are just as integral to the process as all the training days. I want to be motivated to use this tool, I figure the resolution might help.
I would also like to share my blog for the first time. Literally nobody knows that this thing exists. Not even Henry, I haven't even told him about it and he's my number one in life. I think I have a lot of anxiety about people finding out what it is that I really do with my life in as many details as I know it in. For one, I'm not a great athlete. I may have been swimming my entire life, but I don't have much by way of athletic talent and I'm really new to running and cycling. The idea of other people knowing exactly how little I know about what I'm doing and how slow I really am on a day-to-day training basis sort of freaks me out. For another, I'm not one of those people that's perky and motivated all the time. There are a lot of ups and a lot of downs in training and I'm very open about the low points here, which is not something I object to sharing necessarily but is something I'm a little bit self-conscious about. I also don't want the downs to be misunderstood. I love what I do and I don't want anyone to take the downs in the process as evidence that I don't. And finally, I think anytime you open up about experiences like this, you welcome commentary. I understand that commentary can be productive. Listening and learning from others helps you grow, sometimes other people have a better sense for your strengths and weaknesses than you do, blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. But as someone who is pretty insecure about a lot of what gets recorded in this blog, it's actually really scary to think about opening up the space to allow for others to comment and critique.
Given all of that, why is it that I still want to share this? Because I don't want to hide this part of my life. It's actually a weirdly isolating experience to not be able to share this part of my life with most of the people who are a part of my life. When I swam competitively in my younger years, the experience of training was so entirely different because I was always surrounded by teammates. Having like-minded people that run on your schedule and face the same challenges that you do really pulled me through all of those years. My teammates were my second family and we always joked that between practices and travel and meets, we probably spent more time with each other than with our real families. I don't have that same sort of training support network here. I race as a member of the Wash U Triathlon Team based out of the undergraduate campus, but as a medical student, I run on a completely different schedule and generally don't train alongside my teammates. (Also, not gonna lie, they're all really fast and some days I get intimidated out of going to intense run workouts led by the fast boys.) I swim with a master's club, but not often enough that I really feel integrated into that community yet. I cycle with groups occasionally, but my cycling skills still need work which makes me reluctant to do group rides more often even though I probably should. The gist of it is that I don't have the same kind of community to share my experiences with that I used to. It makes training a little bit isolating, which is what I would like to push back against. I feel like making an effort to share my experiences this way, even if no one ends up reading it, is meaningful because at least I've tried to make that connection and put myself out there.
That having been said, I really hope people are kind. I'm not a very interesting person and I'm not a great athlete but the things that get recorded here are some of the things I hold nearest and dearest to my heart in life. I hope people respect that.
So. On January 1st, I'm going to be starting this new journey. It will be interesting because I believe both the 1st and 2nd will be travel days for me. I will write blog posts likely on planes or something of that sort and retroactively post them after the fact. They will likely be boring and devoid of real meaningful content because my training cycle doesn't start until the 3rd or the 4th, but whatever! It'll be the start of what will hopefully be a great year and a great new adventure. I hope you'll join me on that adventure! Wish me luck!
Much love,
Jess
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Race Report: Hot Chocolate 15k (St. Louis)
The journey to the start line of this race was tumultous to say the least. Some burnout and an injury (plantar fasciitis) meant that I hadn't been consistently training for about an entire month prior to the race and the lack of fitness was finely evidenced by my finish time. Despite that, however, I'm glad I decided to run the race. It was one of the toughest things that I've done in a while (it turns out being in shape makes races feel considerably less difficult) and I always think it's good to be tested mentally. Not to mention I did really enjoy myself and the break from a long weekend of studying for finals.
It wasn't too early of a morning, a 7:30 am gun time meant I could get up around 5:45 and be comfortable early to the race still. The weather was warm over the weekend which was nice, I wasn't worried about what I should be wearing, shorts and a t-shirt would do the trick. Since I wasn't taking the race very seriously, I also didn't take things like nutrition very seriously. I ate half a Clif Bar and drank some Nuun (had some Nuun the night before as well to get those electrolytes in, I usually prefer the potassium loaded kind of Vitamin Water but I hadn't prepped any in advance so I settled for Nuun) at home, then headed out. I got there with plenty of time to spare to use the restrooms and get my bag checked. I also had 3 Shot Bloks about a half hour before the race, instead of the typical gel and half a bottle of water or Vitamin Water 15 minutes out. Again, wasn't taking it very seriously.
I was lucky enough to be in a preferred corral, so I was able to start with the first wave which opened up very quickly and allowed me to be actually running right from the get go. I hung around the 9:00 minute mile pace pacer for the first 5 or so miles. She was running with another woman and I sort of hovered around them and listened to their conversations. Turns out she got into running also from a competitive swimming to triathlon transition (and she's now an Ironman!) and she recently had a child and has just been getting back into training seriously. She was a pretty sweet person, it was nice to run near those ladies for the first half of the race. I did, however, get dropped soon after that.
The goal going into the race was to try and hit around 9:00 pace and keep it comfortable in the first half and then depending on how I felt, either try to negative split the second half or just try and hold onto the pace for the finish. (Just note that my average pace for the half marathon a month prior was around 8:22, so this was quite a bit slower of a day.) I did well to stay on that pace the first 5 miles and honestly felt really good for about 4.5 of them, then things started falling apart. Those initial splits (according to my Garmin, which did blip in and out a bit on some miles downtown because of the buildings) were 8:53, 8:40, 8:41, 8:59, 8:55. Oh also I should note that it started raining about 5-10 minutes before the start and continued to lightly rain during the remainder of the race. It also got real windy during some segments which was rough. I found myself trying to tuck in behind small groups to get out of the wind, to mixed effectiveness.
After mile 5, things just sort of started coming apart. The lack of fitness was really starting to show and I started feeling really exhausted and running real slow. Towards the end, the route is the same one that the finish of the Rock 'n' Roll half uses, and I remember feeling terrible towards the end of that race as well but I was able to maintain form and pace then whereas this time it was all I could do to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There were many times around mile 7 when I thought maybe I just wouldn't be able to do it. At this point, my pace had dropped off by so much that a huge stream of people were just flying by me which was really demoralizing. All I could do was tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just had to make it to the finish. It didn't have to be fast, but I wasn't going to let the distance beat me. So I slogged up and down the small hills in the last few miles and eventually made it to the finish. I was pretty disappointed by how the second half of the race went, but I didn't quit on it and I made it to the end, which was what counted. The pace splits were 9:23, 9:28, 9:57, 10:10, 10:32 (for the last ~0.3 mi).
All in all, this was where my performance landed me:
I also want to share what the training has looked like between Rock 'n' Roll and this race. I had about one good week of resting and recovery, three weeks of decent (not fantastic) training, and then about four weeks off for various reasons. I'm going to start sharing these for the rest of the races I prepare for as well, just because it'll be interesting to go back and see how performance lines up with training. Usually I expect this will go along well with my "hit rate" measure, which I stopped keeping track of for this cycle because it was clearly not going to be a serious training cycle, but I will pick back up with in the new year.
That's all I've got for now! I haven't actually done any form of physical activity since that race. I've intended to, but finals week was happening and now I'm trying to reassemble my life so I can go home for winter break with my apartment not in an abysmal condition. I'm also trying to get some other things in my life (e.g. I'm playing around with a new plan for tackling studying next semester) sorted out right now so that I can hit the ground running in 2016. I'm a big believer that you need to manipulate your environment in such a way that it maximizes your likelihood of succeeding, so I'm figuring out what adjustments I need to make in order to optimize the world around me so I can just do my thing when I get back.
It's been a great year! Happy holidays to everyone! (:
Much love,
Jess
It wasn't too early of a morning, a 7:30 am gun time meant I could get up around 5:45 and be comfortable early to the race still. The weather was warm over the weekend which was nice, I wasn't worried about what I should be wearing, shorts and a t-shirt would do the trick. Since I wasn't taking the race very seriously, I also didn't take things like nutrition very seriously. I ate half a Clif Bar and drank some Nuun (had some Nuun the night before as well to get those electrolytes in, I usually prefer the potassium loaded kind of Vitamin Water but I hadn't prepped any in advance so I settled for Nuun) at home, then headed out. I got there with plenty of time to spare to use the restrooms and get my bag checked. I also had 3 Shot Bloks about a half hour before the race, instead of the typical gel and half a bottle of water or Vitamin Water 15 minutes out. Again, wasn't taking it very seriously.
I was lucky enough to be in a preferred corral, so I was able to start with the first wave which opened up very quickly and allowed me to be actually running right from the get go. I hung around the 9:00 minute mile pace pacer for the first 5 or so miles. She was running with another woman and I sort of hovered around them and listened to their conversations. Turns out she got into running also from a competitive swimming to triathlon transition (and she's now an Ironman!) and she recently had a child and has just been getting back into training seriously. She was a pretty sweet person, it was nice to run near those ladies for the first half of the race. I did, however, get dropped soon after that.
The goal going into the race was to try and hit around 9:00 pace and keep it comfortable in the first half and then depending on how I felt, either try to negative split the second half or just try and hold onto the pace for the finish. (Just note that my average pace for the half marathon a month prior was around 8:22, so this was quite a bit slower of a day.) I did well to stay on that pace the first 5 miles and honestly felt really good for about 4.5 of them, then things started falling apart. Those initial splits (according to my Garmin, which did blip in and out a bit on some miles downtown because of the buildings) were 8:53, 8:40, 8:41, 8:59, 8:55. Oh also I should note that it started raining about 5-10 minutes before the start and continued to lightly rain during the remainder of the race. It also got real windy during some segments which was rough. I found myself trying to tuck in behind small groups to get out of the wind, to mixed effectiveness.
After mile 5, things just sort of started coming apart. The lack of fitness was really starting to show and I started feeling really exhausted and running real slow. Towards the end, the route is the same one that the finish of the Rock 'n' Roll half uses, and I remember feeling terrible towards the end of that race as well but I was able to maintain form and pace then whereas this time it was all I could do to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There were many times around mile 7 when I thought maybe I just wouldn't be able to do it. At this point, my pace had dropped off by so much that a huge stream of people were just flying by me which was really demoralizing. All I could do was tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just had to make it to the finish. It didn't have to be fast, but I wasn't going to let the distance beat me. So I slogged up and down the small hills in the last few miles and eventually made it to the finish. I was pretty disappointed by how the second half of the race went, but I didn't quit on it and I made it to the end, which was what counted. The pace splits were 9:23, 9:28, 9:57, 10:10, 10:32 (for the last ~0.3 mi).
All in all, this was where my performance landed me:
Some thoughts about the race:
- I'm glad that I didn't hurt my foot any worse. It got slightly aggravated towards the end of the race (uphills and downhills especially seem to be what's hard on my feet) but actually bounced back fairly quickly after the race. I'm a week out now and my foot feels perfectly normal again which is a huge blessing.
- I'm really glad I decided to just go for it. I feel like it's important to race just for the sake of racing sometimes, without pressure for a PR or whatever. I've always been a big believer that frequent low-pressure racing is important to success because it normalizes the race environment and helps manage achievement-related expectations. I think this day really proved that point and will be a helpful experience for when I find myself in slightly higher stakes situations.
- It was really cool to see first hand the huge difference that the training makes. I had run a race at what felt like a very high effort that during a regular portion of my training block would be shorter and around the same pace as my typical weekly long run. In-season fitness is an amazing thing. My half marathon just a month prior was more than 3.5 miles longer than this race and it was faster by almost 1:00 per mile. The training makes a huge difference.
- At the same time, it was cool to see how for my baseline fitness has come since I started running. Turns out I'm capable of more at my baseline untrained level than I thought was possible. When I first started running, 3 miles at an easy effort was hard when I was untrained. Given that, I'm very impressed by the fact that I was able to run 15k continuously. Even with the pace drop off, I was able to average a somewhat decent speed (by my standards) so I'll take it.
- It's a great thing to do something that is mentally difficult. There's more than just good training behind successful races, you also have to have the mental coping skills to back up that fitness in a racing environment. I feel like that's a skill that I lack sometimes and have really needed to work on, both in a day-to-day training sort of way and in a racing environment sort of way. Being challenged physically is one thing, but being challenged mentally and having to rise above the sense of disappointment and discouragement I felt from being much slower than I knew I could be and struggling more than I thought I should be was really valuable. Proving to myself that I can get through those thoughts and be better than that kind of negativity was really special and I know that experience will make me better in the long run.
Comments on race environment and management:
- The race is spectacularly organized. It was smaller than Rock 'n' Roll but was very friendly, very orderly, and very professional.
- The swag is great, as is the hot chocolate and free post-race snacks.
- Having a chocolate bar shaped medal is pretty cool.
- If you're considering registering for this race as a winter training carrot, definitely do it, it's a great experience.
- There were a lot of small children running (both the 5k and the 10k!) which I thought was amazing. Run as a family! It's good for everyone!
I also want to share what the training has looked like between Rock 'n' Roll and this race. I had about one good week of resting and recovery, three weeks of decent (not fantastic) training, and then about four weeks off for various reasons. I'm going to start sharing these for the rest of the races I prepare for as well, just because it'll be interesting to go back and see how performance lines up with training. Usually I expect this will go along well with my "hit rate" measure, which I stopped keeping track of for this cycle because it was clearly not going to be a serious training cycle, but I will pick back up with in the new year.
That's all I've got for now! I haven't actually done any form of physical activity since that race. I've intended to, but finals week was happening and now I'm trying to reassemble my life so I can go home for winter break with my apartment not in an abysmal condition. I'm also trying to get some other things in my life (e.g. I'm playing around with a new plan for tackling studying next semester) sorted out right now so that I can hit the ground running in 2016. I'm a big believer that you need to manipulate your environment in such a way that it maximizes your likelihood of succeeding, so I'm figuring out what adjustments I need to make in order to optimize the world around me so I can just do my thing when I get back.
It's been a great year! Happy holidays to everyone! (:
Much love,
Jess
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Rest and Restlessness
Predictably, I've been gone for a while. The foot injury turned out to be plantar fasciitis and persisted up until about Wednesday or Thursday of last week when the pain started waning and regular walking got a little bit easier. Obviously I hadn't trained in the meantime and I tried to focus on academic work (to mixed success) but by the time the weekend had swung around and I had to go pick up my race packet for Sunday's Hot Chocolate 15k, I was starting to get a bit restless from my break. I had made the decision to just forgo the race because of the injury. I wanted to make sure that my foot would be good to go for the upcoming Spring training block (which I've drawn out my outline/plans for already!) and for skiing over winter break (which is up in the air right now because it turns out my little brother injured his ankle as well...). In the end though, Henry convinced me that if I wanted to do it, I should give my foot a test run on Saturday and just go for it if it felt okay, so that's exactly what I did.
My Saturday test run actually felt horrible. It was a 4 miler and my foot felt okay for most of it, it ached but it didn't hurt too seriously until very close to the end. The problem was that I was soooooo out of shape, just finishing the 4 miler was tough and my pace kept dropping off so much from mile to mile. I spent Saturday experiencing a lot of angst about being out of shape but ended up deciding to race on Sunday anyways. It was really intimidating because I really thought that there was a chance I wouldn't have it in me to finish. I knew that the race was going to be shorter and slower than my typical long run, and yet I also knew it was going to be way tougher because I was in no physical condition to be doing it. I wanted to try though, and Henry was really supportive of everything that was freaking me out, so I ended up going for it at the end of the day.
I will write a real race report for this race and a bigger reflection on the training that's led up to it after my finals week (which I am in the middle of currently). Suffice it to say that my performance during the race was pretty poor, but I'm extremely proud of myself for going out there and doing it and pushing through a tough day anyways. The one thing I do want to comment on is something I've realized about the nature of my recent racing experiences: During my competitive swimming days, I used to go to at least one or two meets a month and it meant that there was a very clear distinction between important races and all the other races. Racing frequently meant I had a certain tolerance for bad races and bad days because I always had another opportunity coming up. I was better at accepting the non-linearity of progress and knew that I wasn't going to get a PB every single race. I think that mentality helped me overall to just embrace doing the best that I could on any given day, always reaching for that PB but not demanding it of myself because I knew how hard progress could be to come by sometimes. There's been a lot of pressure associated with my racing in triathlon and running because the races are infrequent and the training build up takes so long and I feel like I have to perform at every single one and it's a lot of pressure every time. I want to try and remove some of that pressure, I would like to be able to approach racing in this sport the same way I approached racing in swimming. Maybe next year, when I have more ample transportation options, I will sign up for more casual 5ks and 10ks and just work on racing regularly as a part of training. But that's also an expensive and time-consuming endeavor, so we'll see what comes of it...In any case, my point is, there will be a real race report coming later, so expect that.
After running that race though, I've felt really impatient about getting back into training, even if it's just unstructured working out. Unfortunately, finals is a thing, followed by winter break when I will likely not be training because I'll be trying to spend as much time as I can with the family I don't see very often. It's sort of unfortunate, but honestly that's the only reason I'm here writing this post: I'm feeling really restless. Which I guess was the entire point of taking a break: your body and your mind let you know when it's ready and rested and wants to get going again. Even reading back through the blog, I'm starting to notice that you can really tell how I'm feeling about training by the tone of the posts. Sometimes training is going great and I'm feeling great and things are fantastic! Sometimes training is going great but I feel terrible and sometimes training is going terrible but I feel great! There's such a mix of things, but it all comes out in what I'm writing, and I think the most important thing I've realized is that there's a big difference between when I'm enjoying the process and when I'm not. I'll try to be more cognizant of that in the upcoming year and upcoming training cycle. For now, I have to prioritize studying over my brain's desires to go frolic in the park though, so I have to get back to hitting the books.
Other quick updates before I leave:
- I picked up my long sleeve team jersey for cycling yesterday! Good motivation to take it out for a spin in the cold, maybe this Saturday after exams and before I fly out.
- I just bought a sleeveless wetsuit for the April/May races, which I'm super pumped about. (I'm also super glad Henry let me do that, because wetsuits are a big financial investment.)
Okay time to get back to that physical exam and physiology review! Stay tuned for the next race report!
Much love,
Jess
My Saturday test run actually felt horrible. It was a 4 miler and my foot felt okay for most of it, it ached but it didn't hurt too seriously until very close to the end. The problem was that I was soooooo out of shape, just finishing the 4 miler was tough and my pace kept dropping off so much from mile to mile. I spent Saturday experiencing a lot of angst about being out of shape but ended up deciding to race on Sunday anyways. It was really intimidating because I really thought that there was a chance I wouldn't have it in me to finish. I knew that the race was going to be shorter and slower than my typical long run, and yet I also knew it was going to be way tougher because I was in no physical condition to be doing it. I wanted to try though, and Henry was really supportive of everything that was freaking me out, so I ended up going for it at the end of the day.
I will write a real race report for this race and a bigger reflection on the training that's led up to it after my finals week (which I am in the middle of currently). Suffice it to say that my performance during the race was pretty poor, but I'm extremely proud of myself for going out there and doing it and pushing through a tough day anyways. The one thing I do want to comment on is something I've realized about the nature of my recent racing experiences: During my competitive swimming days, I used to go to at least one or two meets a month and it meant that there was a very clear distinction between important races and all the other races. Racing frequently meant I had a certain tolerance for bad races and bad days because I always had another opportunity coming up. I was better at accepting the non-linearity of progress and knew that I wasn't going to get a PB every single race. I think that mentality helped me overall to just embrace doing the best that I could on any given day, always reaching for that PB but not demanding it of myself because I knew how hard progress could be to come by sometimes. There's been a lot of pressure associated with my racing in triathlon and running because the races are infrequent and the training build up takes so long and I feel like I have to perform at every single one and it's a lot of pressure every time. I want to try and remove some of that pressure, I would like to be able to approach racing in this sport the same way I approached racing in swimming. Maybe next year, when I have more ample transportation options, I will sign up for more casual 5ks and 10ks and just work on racing regularly as a part of training. But that's also an expensive and time-consuming endeavor, so we'll see what comes of it...In any case, my point is, there will be a real race report coming later, so expect that.
After running that race though, I've felt really impatient about getting back into training, even if it's just unstructured working out. Unfortunately, finals is a thing, followed by winter break when I will likely not be training because I'll be trying to spend as much time as I can with the family I don't see very often. It's sort of unfortunate, but honestly that's the only reason I'm here writing this post: I'm feeling really restless. Which I guess was the entire point of taking a break: your body and your mind let you know when it's ready and rested and wants to get going again. Even reading back through the blog, I'm starting to notice that you can really tell how I'm feeling about training by the tone of the posts. Sometimes training is going great and I'm feeling great and things are fantastic! Sometimes training is going great but I feel terrible and sometimes training is going terrible but I feel great! There's such a mix of things, but it all comes out in what I'm writing, and I think the most important thing I've realized is that there's a big difference between when I'm enjoying the process and when I'm not. I'll try to be more cognizant of that in the upcoming year and upcoming training cycle. For now, I have to prioritize studying over my brain's desires to go frolic in the park though, so I have to get back to hitting the books.
Other quick updates before I leave:
- I picked up my long sleeve team jersey for cycling yesterday! Good motivation to take it out for a spin in the cold, maybe this Saturday after exams and before I fly out.
- I just bought a sleeveless wetsuit for the April/May races, which I'm super pumped about. (I'm also super glad Henry let me do that, because wetsuits are a big financial investment.)
Okay time to get back to that physical exam and physiology review! Stay tuned for the next race report!
Much love,
Jess
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
So tell me, what's the price to pay for glory?
I was surprised to log onto the blog today for the first time in a while and see what the last post I had written was. I guess in a lot of ways it explains exactly how I've gotten to being here today, checking back in after a month long hiatus. I took some time today to read some of the posts I had written over the summer months and into the first month of school and it really reaffirmed to me the importance of documenting this experience. I feel like I had a lot of great insight in posts like this one and this one that I lose sight of when things really get going and it's a good reminder to myself of why I do what I do and where my priorities really are.
The last month has been a bit of a roller coaster. There are times where instead of calling it that, I just want to say that it's been hard. But in reality what it has been is a lot of pressure sapping a lot of joy out of my life. There's probably some generic mood disorder complement involved in some of those days as well, but at the end of the day, I found myself in a place where working out was not only physically and mentally difficult but also downright unenjoyable. I wasn't able to put in any decent efforts and I stopped taking any pride or joy out of my training. And the thing is, I don't do this because I have to, I do this because I want to. I do this because I love it and because pushing myself further and further is what makes me come alive. In the past month, it has been doing the opposite of that. It's felt like trying to keep up with the expectations I set for myself was sinking me deeper and deeper into a grave and at some point I said to myself, "This isn't why I do this", and I stopped.
So there have been some workouts here and there and maybe even a good quality session or two, but I dropped a lot of the structure and stepped back from the slog and have been working hard at letting myself rest. It's been a mildly successful effort. I won't lie, I really struggled with just setting my goals down. I felt like I was letting myself down, I felt like I was making excuses and being unaccountable and it generally wasn't something I was proud of. But no matter what kind of effort I put in, I wouldn't have been where I wanted to be because I was no longer enjoying the process, I was resenting it instead. It's been a lot of ups and downs in terms of coming to terms with what my body and (perhaps more importantly) my mind is telling me I need. I needed a break from the goals and the structure and even though I didn't really want to take it, it was demanded of me. So I stepped down, which I am disappointed about, but am realizing more and more every day that it's the right thing to do.
It's funny because I hurt my foot over the weekend somehow (oh and I hope everyone had a great American Thanksgiving!) and as much as I'm bummed out about what that means for my training, I'm also sort of glad it gives me an excuse to (a) not train and (b) not take this upcoming race seriously. I still do want to race, so I am really anxious for my foot to get better, but I know at this point that it won't be a competitive race, it will be a fun race. I will take it as if it were a typical long run and a study break from exam week and I will enjoy every moment of it instead of worrying about and focusing on a specific finish time. I do hope my foot actually gets better in time though, the past few days haven't been very promising and it is something that worries me. I will keep you updated.
In any case, the title of this post is a question I ask myself pretty often. I don't even know what it is I mean a lot of the time when I think about chasing glory, but I guess for me that just happens to be whatever goal I've set for myself in that moment. I wanted to improve my running, I wanted to get better, that was the glory I was seeking, and I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I will not be getting it this month with this upcoming race. It felt so easy to frame all of the signs I was getting from myself that I needed to take a step back as weakness and an unwillingness to "pay the price", but the more I step out of that place of viewing training in a negative light, the more I'm starting to see that the price wasn't right. Do I have an answer for what the right price is? Definitely not. But I had to swing way too far in the wrong direction in order to realize that I was getting into shaky territory and that realization in and of itself will be enough for me for now. I get the sense it will take me a long time to find that right balance. We'll be having this conversation a lot, so buckle down.
As for the status of this blog, I will probably not be posting as regularly during this next block of unstructured existence that I have planned. I'll be here occasionally, but I don't expect to be back regularly until late January, when I make and put into action a plan to be ready for the big spring triathlon races. It's okay because I don't think anyone reads this anyways, so I'm sure you won't miss me.
Until next time!
Much love,
Jess
The last month has been a bit of a roller coaster. There are times where instead of calling it that, I just want to say that it's been hard. But in reality what it has been is a lot of pressure sapping a lot of joy out of my life. There's probably some generic mood disorder complement involved in some of those days as well, but at the end of the day, I found myself in a place where working out was not only physically and mentally difficult but also downright unenjoyable. I wasn't able to put in any decent efforts and I stopped taking any pride or joy out of my training. And the thing is, I don't do this because I have to, I do this because I want to. I do this because I love it and because pushing myself further and further is what makes me come alive. In the past month, it has been doing the opposite of that. It's felt like trying to keep up with the expectations I set for myself was sinking me deeper and deeper into a grave and at some point I said to myself, "This isn't why I do this", and I stopped.
So there have been some workouts here and there and maybe even a good quality session or two, but I dropped a lot of the structure and stepped back from the slog and have been working hard at letting myself rest. It's been a mildly successful effort. I won't lie, I really struggled with just setting my goals down. I felt like I was letting myself down, I felt like I was making excuses and being unaccountable and it generally wasn't something I was proud of. But no matter what kind of effort I put in, I wouldn't have been where I wanted to be because I was no longer enjoying the process, I was resenting it instead. It's been a lot of ups and downs in terms of coming to terms with what my body and (perhaps more importantly) my mind is telling me I need. I needed a break from the goals and the structure and even though I didn't really want to take it, it was demanded of me. So I stepped down, which I am disappointed about, but am realizing more and more every day that it's the right thing to do.
It's funny because I hurt my foot over the weekend somehow (oh and I hope everyone had a great American Thanksgiving!) and as much as I'm bummed out about what that means for my training, I'm also sort of glad it gives me an excuse to (a) not train and (b) not take this upcoming race seriously. I still do want to race, so I am really anxious for my foot to get better, but I know at this point that it won't be a competitive race, it will be a fun race. I will take it as if it were a typical long run and a study break from exam week and I will enjoy every moment of it instead of worrying about and focusing on a specific finish time. I do hope my foot actually gets better in time though, the past few days haven't been very promising and it is something that worries me. I will keep you updated.
In any case, the title of this post is a question I ask myself pretty often. I don't even know what it is I mean a lot of the time when I think about chasing glory, but I guess for me that just happens to be whatever goal I've set for myself in that moment. I wanted to improve my running, I wanted to get better, that was the glory I was seeking, and I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I will not be getting it this month with this upcoming race. It felt so easy to frame all of the signs I was getting from myself that I needed to take a step back as weakness and an unwillingness to "pay the price", but the more I step out of that place of viewing training in a negative light, the more I'm starting to see that the price wasn't right. Do I have an answer for what the right price is? Definitely not. But I had to swing way too far in the wrong direction in order to realize that I was getting into shaky territory and that realization in and of itself will be enough for me for now. I get the sense it will take me a long time to find that right balance. We'll be having this conversation a lot, so buckle down.
As for the status of this blog, I will probably not be posting as regularly during this next block of unstructured existence that I have planned. I'll be here occasionally, but I don't expect to be back regularly until late January, when I make and put into action a plan to be ready for the big spring triathlon races. It's okay because I don't think anyone reads this anyways, so I'm sure you won't miss me.
Until next time!
Much love,
Jess
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