Race Report: Hot Chocolate 15k (St. Louis)

The journey to the start line of this race was tumultous to say the least. Some burnout and an injury (plantar fasciitis) meant that I hadn't been consistently training for about an entire month prior to the race and the lack of fitness was finely evidenced by my finish time. Despite that, however, I'm glad I decided to run the race. It was one of the toughest things that I've done in a while (it turns out being in shape makes races feel considerably less difficult) and I always think it's good to be tested mentally. Not to mention I did really enjoy myself and the break from a long weekend of studying for finals.

It wasn't too early of a morning, a 7:30 am gun time meant I could get up around 5:45 and be comfortable early to the race still. The weather was warm over the weekend which was nice, I wasn't worried about what I should be wearing, shorts and a t-shirt would do the trick. Since I wasn't taking the race very seriously, I also didn't take things like nutrition very seriously. I ate half a Clif Bar and drank some Nuun (had some Nuun the night before as well to get those electrolytes in, I usually prefer the potassium loaded kind of Vitamin Water but I hadn't prepped any in advance so I settled for Nuun) at home, then headed out. I got there with plenty of time to spare to use the restrooms and get my bag checked. I also had 3 Shot Bloks about a half hour before the race, instead of the typical gel and half a bottle of water or Vitamin Water 15 minutes out. Again, wasn't taking it very seriously.

I was lucky enough to be in a preferred corral, so I was able to start with the first wave which opened up very quickly and allowed me to be actually running right from the get go. I hung around the 9:00 minute mile pace pacer for the first 5 or so miles. She was running with another woman and I sort of hovered around them and listened to their conversations. Turns out she got into running also from a competitive swimming to triathlon transition (and she's now an Ironman!) and she recently had a child and has just been getting back into training seriously. She was a pretty sweet person, it was nice to run near those ladies for the first half of the race. I did, however, get dropped soon after that.

The goal going into the race was to try and hit around 9:00 pace and keep it comfortable in the first half and then depending on how I felt, either try to negative split the second half or just try and hold onto the pace for the finish. (Just note that my average pace for the half marathon a month prior was around 8:22, so this was quite a bit slower of a day.) I did well to stay on that pace the first 5 miles and honestly felt really good for about 4.5 of them, then things started falling apart. Those initial splits (according to my Garmin, which did blip in and out a bit on some miles downtown because of the buildings) were 8:53, 8:40, 8:41, 8:59, 8:55. Oh also I should note that it started raining about 5-10 minutes before the start and continued to lightly rain during the remainder of the race. It also got real windy during some segments which was rough. I found myself trying to tuck in behind small groups to get out of the wind, to mixed effectiveness.

After mile 5, things just sort of started coming apart. The lack of fitness was really starting to show and I started feeling really exhausted and running real slow. Towards the end, the route is the same one that the finish of the Rock 'n' Roll half uses, and I remember feeling terrible towards the end of that race as well but I was able to maintain form and pace then whereas this time it was all I could do to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There were many times around mile 7 when I thought maybe I just wouldn't be able to do it. At this point, my pace had dropped off by so much that a huge stream of people were just flying by me which was really demoralizing. All I could do was tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just had to make it to the finish. It didn't have to be fast, but I wasn't going to let the distance beat me. So I slogged up and down the small hills in the last few miles and eventually made it to the finish. I was pretty disappointed by how the second half of the race went, but I didn't quit on it and I made it to the end, which was what counted. The pace splits were 9:23, 9:28, 9:57, 10:10, 10:32 (for the last ~0.3 mi).

All in all, this was where my performance landed me:

Some thoughts about the race:

• I'm glad that I didn't hurt my foot any worse. It got slightly aggravated towards the end of the race (uphills and downhills especially seem to be what's hard on my feet) but actually bounced back fairly quickly after the race. I'm a week out now and my foot feels perfectly normal again which is a huge blessing. 
• I'm really glad I decided to just go for it. I feel like it's important to race just for the sake of racing sometimes, without pressure for a PR or whatever. I've always been a big believer that frequent low-pressure racing is important to success because it normalizes the race environment and helps manage achievement-related expectations. I think this day really proved that point and will be a helpful experience for when I find myself in slightly higher stakes situations.
• It was really cool to see first hand the huge difference that the training makes. I had run a race at what felt like a very high effort that during a regular portion of my training block would be shorter and around the same pace as my typical weekly long run. In-season fitness is an amazing thing. My half marathon just a month prior was more than 3.5 miles longer than this race and it was faster by almost 1:00 per mile. The training makes a huge difference.
• At the same time, it was cool to see how for my baseline fitness has come since I started running. Turns out I'm capable of more at my baseline untrained level than I thought was possible. When I first started running, 3 miles at an easy effort was hard when I was untrained. Given that, I'm very impressed by the fact that I was able to run 15k continuously. Even with the pace drop off, I was able to average a somewhat decent speed (by my standards) so I'll take it.
• It's a great thing to do something that is mentally difficult. There's more than just good training behind successful races, you also have to have the mental coping skills to back up that fitness in a racing environment. I feel like that's a skill that I lack sometimes and have really needed to work on, both in a day-to-day training sort of way and in a racing environment sort of way. Being challenged physically is one thing, but being challenged mentally and having to rise above the sense of disappointment and discouragement I felt from being much slower than I knew I could be and struggling more than I thought I should be was really valuable. Proving to myself that I can get through those thoughts and be better than that kind of negativity was really special and I know that experience will make me better in the long run. 

Comments on race environment and management:

• The race is spectacularly organized. It was smaller than Rock 'n' Roll but was very friendly, very orderly, and very professional. 
• The swag is great, as is the hot chocolate and free post-race snacks.
• Having a chocolate bar shaped medal is pretty cool. 
• If you're considering registering for this race as a winter training carrot, definitely do it, it's a great experience.
• There were a lot of small children running (both the 5k and the 10k!) which I thought was amazing. Run as a family! It's good for everyone!

I also want to share what the training has looked like between Rock 'n' Roll and this race. I had about one good week of resting and recovery, three weeks of decent (not fantastic) training, and then about four weeks off for various reasons. I'm going to start sharing these for the rest of the races I prepare for as well, just because it'll be interesting to go back and see how performance lines up with training. Usually I expect this will go along well with my "hit rate" measure, which I stopped keeping track of for this cycle because it was clearly not going to be a serious training cycle, but I will pick back up with in the new year.

That's all I've got for now! I haven't actually done any form of physical activity since that race. I've intended to, but finals week was happening and now I'm trying to reassemble my life so I can go home for winter break with my apartment not in an abysmal condition. I'm also trying to get some other things in my life (e.g. I'm playing around with a new plan for tackling studying next semester) sorted out right now so that I can hit the ground running in 2016. I'm a big believer that you need to manipulate your environment in such a way that it maximizes your likelihood of succeeding, so I'm figuring out what adjustments I need to make in order to optimize the world around me so I can just do my thing when I get back.

It's been a great year! Happy holidays to everyone! (:

Much love,
Jess

Rest and Restlessness

Predictably, I've been gone for a while. The foot injury turned out to be plantar fasciitis and persisted up until about Wednesday or Thursday of last week when the pain started waning and regular walking got a little bit easier. Obviously I hadn't trained in the meantime and I tried to focus on academic work (to mixed success) but by the time the weekend had swung around and I had to go pick up my race packet for Sunday's Hot Chocolate 15k, I was starting to get a bit restless from my break. I had made the decision to just forgo the race because of the injury. I wanted to make sure that my foot would be good to go for the upcoming Spring training block (which I've drawn out my outline/plans for already!) and for skiing over winter break (which is up in the air right now because it turns out my little brother injured his ankle as well...). In the end though, Henry convinced me that if I wanted to do it, I should give my foot a test run on Saturday and just go for it if it felt okay, so that's exactly what I did.

My Saturday test run actually felt horrible. It was a 4 miler and my foot felt okay for most of it, it ached but it didn't hurt too seriously until very close to the end. The problem was that I was soooooo out of shape, just finishing the 4 miler was tough and my pace kept dropping off so much from mile to mile. I spent Saturday experiencing a lot of angst about being out of shape but ended up deciding to race on Sunday anyways. It was really intimidating because I really thought that there was a chance I wouldn't have it in me to finish. I knew that the race was going to be shorter and slower than my typical long run, and yet I also knew it was going to be way tougher because I was in no physical condition to be doing it. I wanted to try though, and Henry was really supportive of everything that was freaking me out, so I ended up going for it at the end of the day.

I will write a real race report for this race and a bigger reflection on the training that's led up to it after my finals week (which I am in the middle of currently). Suffice it to say that my performance during the race was pretty poor, but I'm extremely proud of myself for going out there and doing it and pushing through a tough day anyways. The one thing I do want to comment on is something I've realized about the nature of my recent racing experiences: During my competitive swimming days, I used to go to at least one or two meets a month and it meant that there was a very clear distinction between important races and all the other races. Racing frequently meant I had a certain tolerance for bad races and bad days because I always had another opportunity coming up. I was better at accepting the non-linearity of progress and knew that I wasn't going to get a PB every single race. I think that mentality helped me overall to just embrace doing the best that I could on any given day, always reaching for that PB but not demanding it of myself because I knew how hard progress could be to come by sometimes. There's been a lot of pressure associated with my racing in triathlon and running because the races are infrequent and the training build up takes so long and I feel like I have to perform at every single one and it's a lot of pressure every time. I want to try and remove some of that pressure, I would like to be able to approach racing in this sport the same way I approached racing in swimming. Maybe next year, when I have more ample transportation options, I will sign up for more casual 5ks and 10ks and just work on racing regularly as a part of training. But that's also an expensive and time-consuming endeavor, so we'll see what comes of it...In any case, my point is, there will be a real race report coming later, so expect that.

After running that race though, I've felt really impatient about getting back into training, even if it's just unstructured working out. Unfortunately, finals is a thing, followed by winter break when I will likely not be training because I'll be trying to spend as much time as I can with the family I don't see very often. It's sort of unfortunate, but honestly that's the only reason I'm here writing this post: I'm feeling really restless. Which I guess was the entire point of taking a break: your body and your mind let you know when it's ready and rested and wants to get going again. Even reading back through the blog, I'm starting to notice that you can really tell how I'm feeling about training by the tone of the posts. Sometimes training is going great and I'm feeling great and things are fantastic! Sometimes training is going great but I feel terrible and sometimes training is going terrible but I feel great! There's such a mix of things, but it all comes out in what I'm writing, and I think the most important thing I've realized is that there's a big difference between when I'm enjoying the process and when I'm not. I'll try to be more cognizant of that in the upcoming year and upcoming training cycle. For now, I have to prioritize studying over my brain's desires to go frolic in the park though, so I have to get back to hitting the books.

Other quick updates before I leave:
- I picked up my long sleeve team jersey for cycling yesterday! Good motivation to take it out for a spin in the cold, maybe this Saturday after exams and before I fly out.
- I just bought a sleeveless wetsuit for the April/May races, which I'm super pumped about. (I'm also super glad Henry let me do that, because wetsuits are a big financial investment.)

Okay time to get back to that physical exam and physiology review! Stay tuned for the next race report!

Much love,
Jess

So tell me, what's the price to pay for glory?

I was surprised to log onto the blog today for the first time in a while and see what the last post I had written was. I guess in a lot of ways it explains exactly how I've gotten to being here today, checking back in after a month long hiatus. I took some time today to read some of the posts I had written over the summer months and into the first month of school and it really reaffirmed to me the importance of documenting this experience. I feel like I had a lot of great insight in posts like this one and this one that I lose sight of when things really get going and it's a good reminder to myself of why I do what I do and where my priorities really are.

The last month has been a bit of a roller coaster. There are times where instead of calling it that, I just want to say that it's been hard. But in reality what it has been is a lot of pressure sapping a lot of joy out of my life. There's probably some generic mood disorder complement involved in some of those days as well, but at the end of the day, I found myself in a place where working out was not only physically and mentally difficult but also downright unenjoyable. I wasn't able to put in any decent efforts and I stopped taking any pride or joy out of my training. And the thing is, I don't do this because I have to, I do this because I want to. I do this because I love it and because pushing myself further and further is what makes me come alive. In the past month, it has been doing the opposite of that. It's felt like trying to keep up with the expectations I set for myself was sinking me deeper and deeper into a grave and at some point I said to myself, "This isn't why I do this", and I stopped.

So there have been some workouts here and there and maybe even a good quality session or two, but I dropped a lot of the structure and stepped back from the slog and have been working hard at letting myself rest. It's been a mildly successful effort. I won't lie, I really struggled with just setting my goals down. I felt like I was letting myself down, I felt like I was making excuses and being unaccountable and it generally wasn't something I was proud of. But no matter what kind of effort I put in, I wouldn't have been where I wanted to be because I was no longer enjoying the process, I was resenting it instead. It's been a lot of ups and downs in terms of coming to terms with what my body and (perhaps more importantly) my mind is telling me I need. I needed a break from the goals and the structure and even though I didn't really want to take it, it was demanded of me. So I stepped down, which I am disappointed about, but am realizing more and more every day that it's the right thing to do.

It's funny because I hurt my foot over the weekend somehow (oh and I hope everyone had a great American Thanksgiving!) and as much as I'm bummed out about what that means for my training, I'm also sort of glad it gives me an excuse to (a) not train and (b) not take this upcoming race seriously. I still do want to race, so I am really anxious for my foot to get better, but I know at this point that it won't be a competitive race, it will be a fun race. I will take it as if it were a typical long run and a study break from exam week and I will enjoy every moment of it instead of worrying about and focusing on a specific finish time. I do hope my foot actually gets better in time though, the past few days haven't been very promising and it is something that worries me. I will keep you updated.

In any case, the title of this post is a question I ask myself pretty often. I don't even know what it is I mean a lot of the time when I think about chasing glory, but I guess for me that just happens to be whatever goal I've set for myself in that moment. I wanted to improve my running, I wanted to get better, that was the glory I was seeking, and I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I will not be getting it this month with this upcoming race. It felt so easy to frame all of the signs I was getting from myself that I needed to take a step back as weakness and an unwillingness to "pay the price", but the more I step out of that place of viewing training in a negative light, the more I'm starting to see that the price wasn't right. Do I have an answer for what the right price is? Definitely not. But I had to swing way too far in the wrong direction in order to realize that I was getting into shaky territory and that realization in and of itself will be enough for me for now. I get the sense it will take me a long time to find that right balance. We'll be having this conversation a lot, so buckle down.

As for the status of this blog, I will probably not be posting as regularly during this next block of unstructured existence that I have planned. I'll be here occasionally, but I don't expect to be back regularly until late January, when I make and put into action a plan to be ready for the big spring triathlon races. It's okay because I don't think anyone reads this anyways, so I'm sure you won't miss me.

Until next time!

Much love,
Jess

Sometimes there's no stopping the hurricane

I have bipolar II. But the thing about bipolar disorder in general is that the recommendations for management via medication are very strong, because of the nature of the illness. It's easy to be considered dangerous to yourself or to others and at the end of the day, the medication is the best tool we have in our toolkit. I've never wanted to be on psychotropic medication though. The side effects scare me, the fact that it really should be viewed as a permanent lifestyle change scares me, the thought of flattening my affect scares me, it all scares me and I don't think in a particularly unreasonable way. I've always said no to discussions about trying medication, so in the long run verifying the diagnosis was never a priority whenever I did seek professional help. The thing is though, managing bipolar without medication is a pretty Herculean task. It's something I don't think I would have been able to do alone and I'm really grateful that I don't deal with it alone. Henry actually takes the vast majority of the responsibility on that one. He's the person who keeps me safe from myself.

Here's the thing. My entire life is a bit of an unsafe situation for me. It's filled with the type of stress that's great at setting off depressive swings. It's also filled with the type of constant activity that's great at masking manic swings. I've been doing this for over a decade now. I know enough about me and about what's going on to have some sense of where my mental status is at. But I'm not as objective about it as Henry, and I really count on him to know better. Today has been an interesting exercise in rediscovering that sometimes we can do everything in our power to try to stop the worst of the days, but they will still come. It's a strange experience. It makes you feel unsafe in your own home, in your own skin.

Some of the worst days for me come in the busy weeks when I fall short of one goal or another or maybe even many. Perhaps this down swing started that way, but I was making an effort to not fall into that trap. I was trying to be accepting, I was trying to be loving, I hope that came across in the things I've been writing this week. But the logic doesn't always get it's way. Somehow you can still find yourself lying in bed too tired to sleep or look at the ceiling or breathe. There was a point in the day where I was lying in bed and I could feel my heart beating slowly, so slowly, and I told Henry it felt like my heart was just waiting to give up and I asked him if you could die from being sad.

The slow days are the worst days. When my brain is too tired to form words even in my thoughts or do anything more than shift my body a little bit when it gets achy from being in the same position for too long. I've been actively suicidal before and even that is better way to feel. On suicidal days I feel backed into a corner with no realistic choice but to die. On slow days I wouldn't even have the strength to conjure up that thought. I just wonder if my heart will stop from how much weight I feel on my chest and I think maybe if my house caught fire I would just stay in bed and it would be a blessing. It's a different brand of suffering. It doesn't come often but when it does it always catches me off guard.

I'm coming back out of it I think, I wouldn't be writing now if I weren't, I wouldn't have enough words. I don't want to even hope that it's passed because it'll be crushing if it comes back. I've known enough of these days to know that you're never really safe. It's hard to ever really be safe. And just now I was thinking about being young, about feeling these things silently for the weeks and months that they swept me and walking through life anyways because so long as you go on living, you have to go on living. I wish I could go back and hold that child because no child should ever have to feel this way.

This is my long winded explanation for why I didn't go to the pool today. It's my long winded explanation for why things get put on hold in my life sometimes. Sometimes it feels like an excuse but Henry tells me I can't look at it that way because mental illness isn't something I can just push my way through with grit or determination or whatever. It doesn't change how much it feels like an excuse. I have work to do, but we're at 13/16 (81.2%). Accountability really doesn't care for circumstance now does it?

Much love,
Jess

PS - This song sums up what it feels like pretty well. Don't get hung up on the words, just listen.

Slow and steady wins the race

Today I am working on being patient with myself and not forcing progress when it's not yet meant to be. I tackled the workout that I didn't see through last Wednesday and once again I didn't see it through. I got further today though and it felt like a better effort all in all, but it was still not what I wanted it to be. I think there are a combination of things at play. I think my body has the ability to crank out this workout but my brain hasn't wrapped itself around it yet. It's still daunting and scary and it feels harder than it probably is. But much the same way as how you can't force physical progress, sometimes you can't force mental progress either. It takes time for brains to adjust to the harder sessions and if I beat myself up for every day where my mental muscle wasn't where I wanted it to be, I would be a really unhappy person. (And honestly, there are times when I do get really harsh with myself about workouts like today's, but I'm trying to be a little easier on myself about it right now.) So here's the summary.

Today's Workout: AM treadmill run and short dryland finisher
Summary:

• WU: 10-15 mins @ 6-6.5 mph
• Main Set: 400-800-1200-800-400 pyramid @ 8.0 mph w/ 50% recovery intervals between @ 6.0 mph
• WD: 10 mins easy @ 6-6.5 mph
• Treadmill numbers: 6.05 mi, 53:45
• Garmin numbers: 5.54 mi, 53:18, 9:37 pace
• Dryland: 3.5 x
• Bodyweight squats w/ band: 10 wide stance 10 narrow stance
• Push ups: 10 narrow/elbows tucked, 10 wide, split as necessary
• ~ 10-15 mins

Hit Rate: 13/15 (86.6%)

The goal had obviously been to build the pyramid up to 1600 m and come back down, but that evidently did not happen. It's a step in the right direction though and we'll come back to this one sometime in the next two weeks and try again. I'm willing to grind to get to where I want to be, I'll just keep pushing at this workout until I crack it. It'll happen. I believe. And in the meantime, I'll accept that there's still work to be done and that today just wasn't the day yet. 

Much love,

Jess

Sleeping in

I've now slept in two days in a row. Amazingly enough, I don't actually regret doing it on either day. I had been up late Sunday night with some wedding planning and family related drama and I don't regret the conversation that kept me up at all. It was the kind of late night talk that I think really brings me and Henry closer together, so if I lose a workout for it, I lose a workout for it. I don't even remember what my plans strictly were at this point, but I did end up getting a workout in anyways by just sort of shoving it in my evening. I didn't have any time to do work yesterday though, which was the real bummer. In any case, here was yesterday's sort of haphazardly thrown in workout.

Yesterday's Workout: PM trainer ride, strength intervals
Summary:

• WU: 10 mins easy spin
• Spin ups: 5 x 30 up/30 recovery
• Main Set: all big gear (60-65 rpm, +10 or more on pick up minutes), easy spin recoveries
• 16 mins as 7/1/7/1
• 3 mins easy spin
• 12 mins as 5/1/5/1
• 3 mins easy spin
• 8 mins as 3/1/3/1, popped into standing quite a few times to try and keep rpms up.
• WD: 10 mins easy
• Total: 16.27 mi, 1:07:28, 14.5 mph

Hit Rate: 12/13 (92.3%)

The set was harder than I thought it was going to be by far. Things got real rough in that last 8 minute set but I got through it. Eventually I want to work my way up to starting with a 20 minute interval. Can't work on my climbing strength outside because there's not much terrain here, so I gotta work on it inside. We'll get there. 

As for today, I had planned on going to lift in the morning but seeing as I slept in and I have an 8:30 am - 9:00 pm day scheduled, it looks like today's going to be a day off. Oh well, life happens, the rest was much needed and today will be easier on a well-rested body and brain. We'll try and get right back at it tomorrow with a morning treadmill run. Planning on re-attempting those treadmill intervals I couldn't get through last time. Hopefully the extra recovery and maybe a little extra fitness (please?) will help get me through. 

Hit Rate: 12/14 (85.7%)

Much love,

Jess

Just do it!

I think I have a mental road block against running race pace during regular workouts. Sure, I can do it during strict intervals like mile repeats, and I know there was at least one tempo run in the summer where I did a good job running race pace, but otherwise I just have this huge sense that I can't run race pace during training...I think it's really just mental and not physical. Everything seems totally impossible to me until I've actually done it, then it seems easy. So I've decided that one of the things I'm really going to try to work on is pushing back against this sense that I can't be fast day to day. Of course, I need to balance the fast days with the easier days, but the idea is that I'm trying to teach myself that these mental limits I put on myself don't actually exist. Today was the first step towards breaking those barriers that I've set for myself.

Today's Workout: AM long run
Summary:

• The set was a 2 mile warm up at 9:30-10:00, 3 x (1.5 mi @ 8:00-8:30, 1.0 mi recovery @ 9:30-10:00), variable distance warm down for a total of 10 miles.
• Total: 10.13 mi, 1:32:56, 9:11 pace
• Splits by interval:
• WU: 9:43
• Repeat 1: 8:28/9:40
• Repeat 2: 8:20/9:57
• Repeat 3: 8:24/9:52
• WD: 9:52

Hit Rate: 11/12 (91.6%)

I was really happy with how I did, especially because I chose not to try and go around more difficult terrain or adjust pace based on terrain. In the end I figured it would all balance out and it did and I'm really proud of the effort. It was hard, but actually not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I definitely felt like I couldn't push my legs to do much more by the last repeat, but I got there, and that's what's important. 

I had been really scared of this workout at the beginning of the day. Even during the warm up and during the first recovery interval, I had been thinking to myself that there was no way I could pull this off. But I did, so I guess it just goes to show that having a "just do it!" attitude really does work. And now I know that I'm capable of running a workout like this, which is really amazing to me! Another random amazing thing is how casual a 10 mile workout feels nowadays. I remember when I used to get really worked up for every 10 miler I ran but it's becoming more and more of just a comfortable workout distance for me. 12 mi is still intimidating, but 10 I can do. That is also something I'm really proud of.

I was surprisingly blown out after this workout though. I felt like a zombie most of the day, just tired to the core. I took a nap in the afternoon which helped a bit but honestly I don't feel like I really rebounded from it until after dinner. I'm feeling much better now, but there's only a tiny bit of time left in my day before I need to hit the sack. Planning an early morning so I can get a good quality lift in before the day starts. Got to try to get some studying done now. 

Much love,

Jess